Ghost .......in you...she don't fade.......

tonight I have written 2 posts...I unloaded my heart and then stuffed it into the draft file
you can thank me later.

I went back to working out.
Thanks Jen!

I'm determined to get abs by Oct 29....even if no one sees them, I am going to do it.
Yup...
love me some abs....
Bought new underwear...15 pairs....15 pairs of fucking underwear.
but not really "fucking underwear" just underwear.  Because I don't fuck...or have sex, or kiss, or touch, or even really look anymore.
which gives me ample time to work....
and to go to the gym....
and read....
knit...
and organize my underwear drawer.
It's rewarding.
not.

I'm good.

I bought tickets to see Ben Harper.
it is pretty trivial, but it was a huge deal to me
I did something for myself.
I bought 2...hoping a friend would go,
because seeing and hearing music with someone is great...
it's like looking into someone's secret space when you share music...
It didn't work out.
I will still go, because it is part of becoming independent.
and I love Ben Harper.

It's all good.

The girls at work asked why I haven't met someone.
Just get a boyfriend, or a friend with benefits.
I smile and think how easy it should be.
How the men I have met are right there in front of me...
and I am not attracted.
I smile politely and listen....
and shake my head....
there is nothing there
I cannot imagine anyone looking at me,
I cannot imagine talking to someone....
or letting someone talk to me
or letting them in.

on the other side...
when he talks to me
I melt....
I cannot even.

Just take me away,

escape for a day or 3

hands,

lips,

dancing in the kitchen,

napping.

underwear....

underwear drawer....

just undies....nothing else.

A race is on I'm on your side
And hearing you my engines die
I'm in a mood for you
For running away
Stars come down in you
And love, you can't give it away
Inside you the time moves

And she don't fade
The ghost in you
She don't fade
Inside you the time moves
And she don't fade

write ya later,

m

Righteous and Pious

this is not her 


A friend of mine's kid is having a baby...probably today.  It's exciting, especially for her.  

I gave her a little advice, well from inside my head. 

 "Don't be getting all Pious and Self Righteous all of a sudden". 

 Yeah, in a few hours and possibly through most of the pregnancy, you will, and have, felt enlightened and above many of your friends.  Yea yea, you have had moments of anger and self doubt, usually when you have to throw away your T-back underwear for Big Belly Underwear that won't roll down and fall off under your maternity stretch top jeans, but for the most part...you have probably felt like now you have basically risen above all of your low life life friends and such...(this goes for all people who have had a baby). 

 Let me tell you something...

You have been allowed to join the secret club, but don't be all self righteous to us Mom's, especially your very own mom.  You may think in your head... " I wish she would shut the heck up...it's MY baby."..."I know what to do."  And yes, you will know what to do 90% of the time...ok maybe 47% of the time then the other 33% of the time you will make shit up, but I will righteously tell you, as an older mom,...you are gonna wish, at some point, and it may be in hindsight, that while your mom was quietly nodding her head and agreeing with you, with a smile, that she would, or would have, just told you the easy way, or the right way to do it.  Plain and simple...

Because, you know what Miss High and Mighty? She all ready knows what you have yet to learn.

There may even be a day you are sooooooo fricken tired, you just want to put the baby in the carrier, under the shade of a tree, and run to the nearest hotel and sleep for a week...you will feel angry, mean and pissed...But you won't say anything, or hell, maybe you will, and you will say it all righteously, like, "I DESERVE THIS SLEEP"....and you will be right...but no one will care...except your mom, or the other older mom down the street.  If you are lucky they will quietly hold the baby, smile gently, and not say a word and you will sleep...

When your baby has had Diarrhea for 3 days straight and you are on the way to the Emergency Room for every known test in the book because you know, and Google told you, that your child has a rare disease from the third world county we old Mom's call "Bounce Town", she will quietly and non chalantly say, " Have you checked his gums for new teeth?"  and you will announce, "Duh, MOM....of course I have! Jeesus."  and then secretly peek into his mouth and hang your head in shame as you decide not to go to the ER, because maybe he is feeling better now.  But us old Mom's, we won't really say anything.... We'll just bring over some frozen wash cloths and teethers and smile.

When you scream and holler that 

"OMG!!!! HE CANNOT EAT MASHED UP PEOPLE FOOD YET!!!! HE IS ONLY 4 MONTHS OLD AND MUST STILL EAT PEAS IN A JAR!!!!" 

 We will stop feeding him peanut butter and mashed potatoes....and follow your commands.

Then when you are on your second kid, you will think back and realize your baby survived eating mashed up people food from Gramma or Grampa (or the old lady down the street) and you will tell other first time Mom's, "Oh Please, what do you think they did before jarred food at Target? My Mom used to feed my Carne Asada when I was 5 months old and I'M still alive!"  and you will say it all righteously....and at that point you will have become....just as we have....moms who are just trying to help, because we know, not because we are righteous.

love you,

m

ps: I miss my mom...and I can't tell you what I would do to have her just tell me what to do once in a while...now.