good better and ok

As I type from the quiet of my new room.

I was reminded a few days ago that I write too personal and I should keep my business in check.

I started this blog 10 years ago to write

...to journal....

to document ups and downs, my goods and bads

....life.

my life ...in hopes to laugh a bit.

People started reading it....at one point, quite a few read it and I was getting little "hit ups" from well known online writers (before influencers).

I never intended for family to read...or for anyone really to read it....

Now,

people text me and ask me to remove things...to not be so crass, to have some decorum....

Yeah.

fuck it.

don't read it.

I remove things and put them back into draft form so that they can't be viewed.  

I edit pictures so as not to offend.   

that was never the intention of my writing.  

with that said.....

Shit is going on.

but yesterday I met with my kid.

he said he needed to talk to me....

so I made the trek to Denver 

and we sat over pizza and margaritas ....

he's in therapy due to the trauma of the loss of his muse 5 months ago.

it has been hard for us all

My heart often wondered what would happen to his beautiful soul.

I raised him to be loving and open....

to know and to love people and to never give up

to respect women more and their strength beyond that...

and to never forget that people will forever need a friend and and an ear

and although you may not be able to give much 

you can always love....

always

we sat down and he said

my therapy was really good yesterday....

I'm learning to ask for help.

I'm learning that I cannot fix people

and I'm learning that for all the amazing things you taught me and brought me up to be and do

It's ok if I say no

( I'm sorry Bubba)

It's ok Mom...

I learned I'm an empath and we talk about you a lot .

( I broke you)

No Mom, you didn't...

you just raised me in a way that doesn't always work for self care.

(ding*** yes....I did, and my therapist said the same thing about me and my mom)

we care too much, Mom....

and if I don't start taking care of me and stop trying to make everyone else feel better and safe around me....I won't ever be ok....

I'm learning I can say no

doing this...

I'll be better.

My heart broke for a minute, then he looked at me and said,

"Mom, it's time you do that too"

"It's ok,. you are going to be ok"

then he said, I have to tell you something else.

You never know when you will have a thing...

when someone will love you.

you just don't know...

Mom, I met someone and I didn't want to, or intend to

but they just happened and I have to be ok with it.

(yes, you can't feel guilty, Bubba....)

Mom, It's just a thing....I don't know what is happening but this person is making me feel something and I dont want to be sad forever.

(It's ok Bubba)

and mom, what I want to say it it can happen anytime.,,

you just won't know

( Bubba, I am old, not young, and I'm pretty sure I'm not in that category anymore...but I get what you are saying)

Mom, you have done more with less and if I can love or feel again....

you can too.  You can.

my heart broke

we finished our stuff and he reiterated again how this thing he has right now is only that, but it's helping him...

and he's getting out...

and his art is coming again.

I reiterated it is OK.

no one has expected him to be miserable forever.

it's all good 

from the guest room

xo,

m