Can you ever recover from not really knowing someone like you thought? When little mysteries appear, an explanation is made then it disappears to only rear it's head again down the road. Is the key to just turn a blind eye and just forget? It's a question I ask myself, often.
Flipping through a photo album of my childhood I tried to figure out when it happened. Was there an exact time, an exact place, was it a single incident or the combination of many? Teenage years are formative but are they permanent? Can they be altered? Mid 20's develop skills you carry on. Can they be fixed? Is trust an innate ability or a grown one? Did I really bring it on myself.
As a girl/woman, acceptance of yourself is imperative for your future...future growth, relationships and ability to love and trust...so when did this get taken away from me? I try not to believe it happened within my family, although very possible...alcoholic mom and Alzheiemer's dad...I believe I was on my own quite a bit, not that I minded. Did it happen when my first love decided he loved our mutual friend a little bit more than me? Did it happen when the man I loved for years went cold...or was it I who went cold? Packed his stuff and left...while I was at work. Maybe it was the prostitutes... whatever the case, I'm on a mission and lifestyle change to help myself be worth myself.
I can't make a person love me. I don't want to...but I also don't want to continue being played the fool.
It's been, and is, a long road. I am a shell of myself and my abilities are waning, yet I continue to try to forget. I cannot understand all things, and I don't pretend to be able to....but I can forget, which must be the first step of forgiving and healing.
4 comments:
This post made me sad, but also gives me comfort to know someone else out there struggles in some of the same ways I do. For some people, the smart, observant types, trust becomes so degraded as we age and experience all the bull shit human beings pull every day. It's a dog eat dog world except for those rare individuals like us who don't subscribe to that dogdom. Keep the faith, there are pockets of we wee people out. Don't worry and jaded and paranoid too and my parents weren't alcoholics. It's just harder to forget the asshole shitty things that happen in life as opposed to all the wonders. I love ya babe even though it's been long time since we seen each other.
Hey, hope this will help.
In searching for wisdom, try:
2 Chron 1:7-12
2 Tim 1:7
And this may encourage you:
Jn 14:1,16-18
Cheers and love!
Forgiveness can be difficult. Some things hurt more that others, obviously. What's worked for me, in addition to remembering why I need to forgive, is: To keep forgiving. E.g., everytime I remember the hurt/pain/offense...I make a concerted effort to forgive, again and let it go. Even if I keep remembering it every few seconds. Eventually I remember it less and less. Many things are forgotten over time. Somethings, when recalled are no longer painful. And I don't end up harboring bitterness and anger nor to I double over in anguish.
Food for thought
I was struck by the opening of this post. It's a strange thing when you get another view of someone you thought you really knew. It's a little jarring. It's like singing along to this song you really love and then one day you just hear it differently, and realize you were singing the wrong lyrics, and just like that, all the meaning changes.
Trust is almost impossible for COA's, imho. It's something to shoot for though.
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