No explanation

 It’s been a week or 2.   I don’t know or care.   

Life goes on .   

 Thankfully,  it does.

Today I spoke to Ashton’s mom. She lost her child and I have stayed awake every night for almost 2 years reliving that morning and phone call and day and weeks after.   My child lived.   Hers died.   Later to realize my child actually died on that day too .... and has been living an interim.    It’s not like he hasn’t told us.  It’s  not like he hasn’t posted his hurt and feeling of death for over a year .... 

for the same amount of time ....

I have not slept.  I have left my heart and body and hoped for my own death .... over and over again 

I have been present and I know all the things I should do and be doing 

I work.  I care for people . I counsel. I express happiness for others achievements.   I love my lover and daughter ...

I do

But I’m dead to the world 

Sleeping 4 hours a night.   Waiting for the next call 

I’ll be ok.  I can’t control it.  It’s not my fault one is dead I can’t let another die 

My heart and mind hurt 

This fight is winning 

M