OMG its all ready July, gotta get the motor running

So, this is the year of fun stuff for me.  well at least I am attempting to do some fun stuff....oh, and to keep track of the fun stuff.  Because, honestly, every year I say....i did nothing this summer, but when I truly think back and take notes I do a TON of fun stuff.

I run so that I can drink....the truth of the 46 yr old female

Let me tell you something.... I love my body.... I'm 46 years old, and that is closer to 50 than 40... Although at our age, 40 is irrelevant too.    I'm small.  I'm 5' and under 114#.   But I work at it.   I run. I work out ( occasionally)   I have a fear of gaining weight,  middle age weight,  fuck you.    I hear you.... I hear you saying, " you will never be big ".  Well let me tell you something.   I enjoy eating.   I run so that I can drink beer.  Every time I run, I look at calories burned and drink and eat accordingly.    Up to this date I have friends whom have never ever seen me eat solid food.  

 I stood in front of the mirror yesterday and said ....word  for word,    "I look ok...my boobs are saggy, my nipples are probably too big due to breast feeding, my tummy is still pretty sexy, my labia not as pert as it once was.....but all in all.... When Walmart compared....nice. "

So I listen to my middle aged friends, male,   Talking about women.....their wives.  Etc....  Wtf?   Do we talk about the men like that?   We love a rock hard big penised man....but we also love a soft big belly man.....penis or no penis.   Are they nice?   awesome...funny?  better yet...I'll take Him!

I'll never understand  my mentality that I'm not ok....
Why am I not ok?
This, of course is the big hoopla of Cindy Crawford.. Super model   48 years old, no photo retouch
gorgeous....I agreee.... she has a lot going for her without the photo retouch

very nice.... 

this is me

46.5 years old... 2 big fat kids and absolutely no photo retouch or good lighting

no photo retouch

46 years old.

I criticize myself every day.and I'm not some sort of gym rat....

this is just a few push ups, and a run around the block three times a week

am I happy    ??

no

does my husband think I'm Cindy Crawford?

No

does he look at other woman

yes.

It's just our own mentality.

this is what this 46 year old looks like.....

I may not be the norm...

but this is it.

Ive had 2 very large kids and I'm 5' tall

it is what it is.

I'm not ashamed, but I want you to know I do work at eating healthy and satying active.

But this does not make me happy

I want you ro know what I hate.  
 judge and talk amongst our friends .... its ok.  tell me too.
I hate the way my boobs sag.  I hate that my nipples are too big.
My vagina.... I had two almost 10# kids, ....my vagina adjusted, I did not....
chin hair?   oh please... it sucks.  
but my calves?   they are nice....
my abs?   not bad...I'm guessing genetics.
but still
at 46.5........ i'm still uneasey

compare and feel the strength. 

 fuck it

Too tiny for middle school

It's been a while, but I'm still here   Chugging along.  Making life go on   Which is something I have to do... Well , because it's life.   Right?  Right

Here's something to think about.  I took my daughter to middle school orientation.  She is toooooo small for middle school !   She's a puny lil thing with the biggest personality so I'm guessing she will survive .    Her friend kept saying , " don't worry , everyone will love her because she is so cute"
What????
No, no no.
First thought ; how to make her ugly so no one thinks she is cute , but then I realized that is pretty shitty .
She pointed out that she really could fit in the locker and how will she reach the top shelf.
That's when I realized .... She's just a little kid. She had no worries.  Except the height of the top shelf

Listen , Olive,   You will reach any shelf you want to reach   I swear

Damn kid ;)
Next time we will make fun of my parenting fail with the teen

All over again and again

I start all my processes back over this next week
Everything is so expensive.
Its a wee bit stressful
My kid was diagnosed with Asthma which costs another couple grand even with insurance.
My hubby is back to his old shenanigans
I have nice size lump in the other boob now
My son has been living with his dad and I miss him
We fight a lot in this house.
I wish I could just run away.
Turning a blind eye isn't working as much anymore
I long for someone to hug me and pat my bottom and tell me i'm awesome, beautiful, and enough
When I look in the mirror
i cry

craft room disaster

Room is painted. I'm not sure why I choose to do these things.  I guess it gives me some sense of being able to fix something.  Anything.

Bobby ended up helping me "cut in " the paint because I always get the ceiling.  I chose my two favorite colors: tangerine and green...with white.  I love the 70s mod colors.

this is in no way my completed project...this is much too nice...but these are the colors I used.

My shit is all over the place.  I have cleaned up more mouse poop in the past 2 days then I ever did working on the farm.  Who knew we were infested in the laundry room?  Not anymore.  

I have cleaned and bleached and if I show up dead or deathly ill in a month, it's Huntavirus (sp?)

While I wait for paint to dry and for Bobby to sand the last part where we had to re plaster the wall...Note to self...don't try to chip that tiny piece off...it always opens a can of worms I am sitting in the crappy computer room looking at what to do with all this fabric.

I have ironed little scraps

 i have ripped fabric meant for the garbage into strips

oh my god....mess

i'm worried I won't be able to get this all back together.   So I sit here making fabric for the garbage into balls of fabric yarn I can make something with.   All my best ideas come when I am not able to do anything  i.e: craft room non functioning.

Well, I'll keep ya posted,   I really should try to go for a run.  Its bee 2 weeks since the boob surgery.  My pants are tight.  

xo,

write ya later

m