Monthly Friend, she never fails me

http://www.damneddollies.com/dollies.html

Ok, maybe once or twice she has/had failed me, but you know, I got two semi great cute kids out of that failure...and she has given me quite a few frights, but all in all she's the most reliable thing in my life. Practically like clock work.
I just arrived at work. 537 am and thanked the Goddesses, or whatever I'm to thank, that there was a plate of chocolate bar cookies sitting on the counter out front. YESSSSSSSS. I grabbed 4, oink oink I'm on the rag!, my gallon of sweet ice tea and sat down with my bloated, zitted self to think before working. Here's what I thought:

Can blogging make us all have our periods at the same time?
Am I going to bleed to death today? Because today feels like it might be the day.
I can't bleed to death today because I have my final exam today...maybe after the exam.
If I drive off the side of the road, would anyone notice?
would anyone say anything if I didn't put any makeup on today?
Whatever happened to that Prince on the white horse that was to come for me? Damn him.
I'm glad I never got those vampire teeth hole tattoos in my neck.
I hope the street people aren't in the bathroom, I want to sit down in peace.

There's the most thinking I will probably do all day...including for my test. I'm off to read the blog roll.

write ya later
m

And the Idiot award goes toooooooooo

I have a little diddy about an idiot girl.  After last week's fabulous pre PMS haircutting adventure, I felt, somewhere in the back of my vapid mind, that I was now ok to move onto harder tasks.  What task you ask?  ....bikini waxing.   

I know, I know...you, the normal hormonal person is thinking...what the F?  Is she nuts? You don't give yourself a Brazillian, you leave that for professionals.  Remember a few lines ago when I was feeling I had progressed to professional level?   Yeah, well I had not...although you would have thought I did the way I got all the stuff together, announced I would be locked in the bathroom for a bit and sat perched on the side of the tub reading the directions, glowing on the inside, dreaming of the smoothness and the newness.

Heat wax in microwave...all ready sounds scary, but back in the old days I was into some pretty kinky stuff...I can do this.

check

Makes sure wax is not too hot...well, I have hidden back in the bathroom and swirl the bubbling pot of wax...definitely too hot .I'll try my lip and eyebrows first. 

Apply in direction of hair growth...gothcha

OWWWW way too hot , get it off get it off...well, burned lip...wait for it to cool then put some on eyebrows.

Rip in direction of hair growth

check

1,2,3  RIPPPP...Yowza, now that's something ...all right. Now we are talking.  I give my self a pat on the back...am horrified at the amount of hair I just removed from my lip, along with a  small piece of skin.  It's ok.  I'm GOOD at this.  Hell, I can wax my entire body!

Now down to the private cookie area.  

Hair growth?  kinda crazy...but get a good guess and apply wax.

Let dry for a second and RIPPPPP

Yes...Look at all that!

Yup, definitely did miss my calling, I should have been a waxer, I'm wasting my days in school.

Only about 25 more RIPS to go.

All of this went along well until the first set back.  I dripped a bit of wax onto a very sensitive area.  I couldn't get the damn wax off.  I had to put clothes on and wonder down 2 flights of stairs to google it.  OK...Answer, Baby oil.

I don't have baby oil.

Mineral oil...that should work...

worked ok...and as I'm working on correcting that problem I notice some slight swelling and litte bits of blood.  Hmmm? does every hair follicle bleed?

No Way.  I was doing so well.  Owwie it's starting to hurt.  

As I start to sober from the pain and the PMS begins to fade I realize...

IDIOT

maybe I can go somewhere and they can finish?  rigggght.

I decided to leave it as is and maybe resume tomorrow once I have recovered....put some ointment on and  put on house dress from 1964...sans panties.

At that point pretty much forgot about the entire incident.  Had a few beers then sat down to go pee. 

ARRRGGGHHHHHH

little bumps everywhere!  It was like a swollen, bumpy pretend underwear!

Oh my god.  I'm the most retarded person I know...seriously.  At that point I thought...maybe I'll google it.  which I did and it said a few bumps are normal...didn't say anything about bump underwear.  What if I was going to the Carribean?  Or getting laid by Johnny Depp this evening?  jeesus christ.  whatever. put on more ointment and announced to Bobby he would not be getting his birthday lay with the new improved smooth cookie tonight, probably not tomorrow and then the next day I am pretty sure I will be on the rag.  

Idiot.. 

3 days later...I have gotten up, looked at my old friend the razor and resumed it's use.  Still in the back of my head as I shaved I thought, maybe I will try it again.

I'm here

I have a Test today, review Wed. then final Thursday....then mucho cerveza.

I have some pictures to post from then weekend but it may not be til Thursday.
My Stepson is going thru caffeine withdrawals and I hope he's ok. We discovered he was drinking between 2 and 5 NOS,Throttle, RedBulls and whatever for the past month.
We put the halt to it 2 days ago and made him get up and eat and move around. Well last night the headaches and puking began. It's like having a junkie roommate right now.

write ya later
m

MmmmmmMonday.

Could this be true? Sometimes it feels that way.

Well, it is Monday...and I am so excited because that means my sister is going to be here tonight with her two adorable babies. I am a little nervous for her. She is flying by herself with two kids under 2. Did I say by HERSELF! Holy Crap. She should get an award after today. I am going to go to the airport to help load all of the needed extras. We have to rent a mini van if we are going to be able to go anywhere together. So a minivan it is. Of course everyone is going to want to get one after they see how much fun we are having. It is always a party in the car when we are together.

I was hoping Colorado would be green an lush so she would want to move back, but everything is brown and crispy around here.

Hope everyon else is having a fabulous Monday!!

...(repost) until tomorrow,,,comment now

Sexuality and sex are an uneasy topic for most people, unless talking about the person 2 cubicles down, your gay best friend, or the unbelievable amount your friend of a friend is getting from that super hotty across town. When you attempt to talk to a significant other who is partaking in said sexual activity it's a whole 'nother ball game.
I, and all my friends who really know me and have had a few cocktails (no pun intended) with me, know that I can't give a proper blowjob...whatever that is. I have been around in circles with all my friends, many who valiantly offer tips and encouragement, and I must say that as much as I appreciate all the help...it just doesn't work.
Last night I took it upon myself to refer to my self help book for mediocre blowjobbers,pick a plan, and give it a try. The first step (don't worry, I'll spare you the details) was to talk to the other half who would be required to partake in my endeavor. It was uncomfortable to say the least. I'm pretty sure that bringing up my shortfalls was not much encouragement to him to let me try. Yes, most men would say,"Go for it!" But mine had a few other words to say:

"You don't have to"

"I know I don't have to, I want to"

"I know, but, I'm just saying, it's ok, it's really not a big deal."

"Well, it's a big deal to me. I feel like I've short changed you in the male bonding department. You know, when all you guys are talking about great blowjobs and how So-n-so stepped up to the plate last night...you got nothin'....ever. You always do your share and I do nothing, I mean I do stuff, but not that...so tonight, I, with your permission, am going to go for it."

Not really the best way to set the mood, but with a bit of small talk I headed straight for third or fourth base, maybe it's actually second base now...I don't know. I remembered all the fancy moves, replayed the pictures in my head from the book, could hear girlfriends telling me what NOT to do. All I could think about was that this is a lot of work, not bad work, just odd work. Lot's of stuff to remember when you are a novice....keep going, seem to be doing ok....hmmm how long does this actually take? Do I take this long?.................................... I wonder what is on TV.............Is it happening? Maybe that's it....No, I watch porn, that's not it....maybe I should check or ask..........maybe not........1,2,3,4 twist, turn,swish.......ok...it has to have been at least 45 mitutes if it were a minute....I'm done....I think I did it.

"Why'd you stop? You have to keep going."

"Oh my god, you didn't? I thought you did. You need to be more vocal or something....I tried."

"You were doing good, you can't stop...at all. It takes a bit of concentration on my part. This is new for me, you know what I mean....it's weird"

"what do you mean it's weird? it's all weird isn't it? Just don't think about it like that. Was I doing ok?"

"Yeah, you were doing good......honey, it's just....It's dirty."

WHAT?!!! It's dirty? I didn't understand what he was talking about. Of course it's dirty, it's sex...it's sexy dirty, not dirty dirty.....I better ask.

So I ask....uncomfortable pause,"Come on, it's just me. We do stuff, what do you mean it's dirty?...it's supposed to be sexy, I think it's pretty hot. I mean people pay good money for this, they don't pay me, of course, but you know."

This is what he said to me, which made me melt and remember why I love him.

" I think that may be the problem. You were doing great, don't get me wrong, I think I'm having a hard time with the fact you have my penis in your mouth....it's dirty....I love you and it's just weird, if I didn't love you it would be different."

ok then...

I guess I can see that. I try not to think of that stuff. Seriously, I really don't think about it all when I'm the one in the hot seat. We decided I could give it another go (yea, for me) ...He so kindly said, maybe the weekend? Maybe we can switch up a bit. It is a weird topic, it's a dirty topic....

yes, it is.