lets get this show on the road

Today I finally go for my consult with the breast specialist.   Unfortunately my last appointment was moving along at a great pace and I went to schedule my surgery only to find out the surgery center was not in "network".  I chose to change Dr.s and head to a more "in network" surgery so as to save costs.  Lord, should I really be penny pinching right now?   

So, today...the new consult.  Because I am an RN I know what they will say.   " this is no big deal...lets get you scheduled for the wire surgery and see what we are dealing with....please talk to the receptionist to schedule"   and I will leave the office just as confused as before.     I'm guessing the entire day will be a waste of time and I'm guessing they wont be able to schedule me quickly.  so i will be waiting again.   

Stupid

I filled out all the paperwork and printed off info for FMLA so that when it does happen I can take time off work with out repercussions from the higher ups.  

After my appointment I will be Easter Basket Junk Shopping.....after all it is my favorite holiday

The Chocolate Holiday

I cant believe this kid is smiling

write ya later

and hopefully these posts will be a little less Bummery soon

xo

m

Heavy

 I have so much anxiety I am freaking out.  I know that doesn't make sense but I can't move forward I just sit here.   I'm feeling very hateful and very overwhelmed.  As I sit I realize how I have wasted my life.  How I haven't completed things I should have.  How I yelled at my kid last night to no end, for stupid shit.
What is wrong with me?   Everything and nothing.
I have been drinking more than I should.  I have not been eating like I should and I have quit sleeping.  I have quit cleaning.  I have quit doing anything.
I dread going to work.
I cry on the inside....I try not to look unhappy, but my skin is sallow and my hair is falling out.
I was told to make a vision board
I looked at some on Pintrest then realized it was too much...what if I make one the. Never accomplish a god damn thing on it.  
I stopped going to yoga, I stopped working out....when my head gets too full I run, but always with fear of running too far and not making it back.
Very few have checked on me.  Life goes on.
Spring is here.  My favorite season and I just want to curl up in a ball and die


M

bruised boobie...should have bought a lottery ticket

So, they did call Friday afternoon and said my Biopsy was benign!  woop wool...celebrate.
I celebrated the life of my boob all weekend as silly as that seems.

Happy day.
I could get on with my life.
Everything from the past month just sped right up in fast motion and I felt over whelmed with everything I had thrown to the side with my distress.

I gardened, I cleaned up the yard.  I cleaned the laundry room.  I cleaned the cabinets and actually bought groceries for the family.
Ready to take on life...planning my vacations and starting to work out again/

Went back to work on Monday without a care in the world.


I recieved a phone call at about 10 am Monday morning and my gynecologist left a vm stating she would like to go over my biopsy.  Ok....I all ready got the answer from my primary dr so I wanst too worried.
I went into the break room and gave her a call.

"your biopsy of the calcifications showed nothing to worry about right now.  you have fibrocystic breasts which are very common at your age (my age being 45).....however, the Radiologist called me this morning and said after reviewing the pathology,  the cells around your biopsy site were concerning.  they have Hyperplastic Cell Growth of the Lobules and we would like to refer you to a cancer breast surgeon specialist.  "

wtf?
really?

she goes on to say: "  of biopsies done, only 37% come back malignant ( i see a problem here), of all the biopsies, only 4% come back with hyperplastic cell growth( which I made it to the 4%)...of that 4% only 25% show cancer upon further exams....and within about 10 years about 90% of those 4% develop breast cancer and some point....so, we feel like you should get it examined further to be safe, you are young and have kids....in 10 years you will still be young"

Really?  Maybe I should have bought a l;ottery ticket too.

this is the side of my breast. they went in at the 9 oclock position and this is the hematoma 1 week later after biopsy one

so my decisions now is if I want to continue down this path?  Do I just let it be for a while and see what happens.  I know for a fact I will not get mammos every 3 months just to torture myself.  I also will not be getting biopsies over and over again.  Its a proven fact every time they stick that needle into something potentially cancerous and drag it through the healthy cells you are causing damage.
hmmmm

anyone out there have this experience?  I know there are people.  any Cancer RNs or doctors or radiologists who would like to just say what they have seen or experienced.

with that said I am going to run today.  I am going to do some squats and pull ups.  i have 3 months until summer....and like the dr said,   Im still young...

write ya later,
m

The waiting game

Called in sick today.  I have too much anxiety .  I was hoping one of the doctors would call with my pathology report but so far it doesn't look like that is going to happen.
the biopsy was Wed.  It was not as bad as I had imagined , that was until the stereophonic imaging machine broke and they had to call someone in to look at it with my poor titty in a plexiglas vice grip.  They did try to cover me a bit, but it seemed so ridiculous I couldn't even think straight.  There I was ...6 feet up in the air, right boob locked in through a hole in a god awful uncomfortable table, my ribs falling through because apparently they don't make a table for petite people, and people standing there trying to figure out why the imaging machine will not circle around to take the 3D type pictures.  After about 45 minutes the Dr. said, " I think we have it in the right place, I'm going to try and take the samples.  The other choice would be for you to come back and do it in surgery".
JUST DO IT
They did it then I went for what they call a "soft" mammogram .  They gently place your smoothed, deflated, bruised booby into the mammo machine and smoosh it one more time.   The radiologist said, " you want to see the pictures?"
Sure I do.  
She pointed out the little titanium marker the dr placed and showed where the micro-calcifications had been removed.  She pointed to one little spot.  Looks like they got all but one.

Now the waiting game.  She said I may not hear anything til Monday.  The bummer is, I know the pathology comes back in 24 hours....I'm a nurse.   But I can't make someone look at it if they don't want to.  So, here I sit.
It's going to be ok.  It is ...only 32% are malignant.  That gives me a good 68% chance of being A ok . ...for now any way.   Micro calcifications are precancerous from what I understand, so we will just have to see.
The bad news is I will be receiving the news at work on Monday if they don't call today.

Enjoy your weekend
Xo,
M

Thoughts from the reaper

Past few days....

Wow, I really haven't had enough sex....or sex with people I want to have sex with
Why do I always put off vacation?
I wish my backyard was fixed up nicer.
Maybe I should tell the kids now so that they will be nicer.
Should I go to Disney World?
Fuck workin out!
Let's hire a maid.
Is that pain anxiety or do I all ready have mets?
Please make sure people I know tell funny stories about me instead of sad morose shit.
damnit, my motorcycle isn't even finished and I haven't been to Sturgis.
Thank god I didn't go back to school this year.
I should just eat sweets from here on out.
I miss my mom.

These are the kind of things you think of while waiting for a diagnosis.
I think a lot about the sex part.   I think waiting is making me horny....or maybe it's all the
hormones....whatever the case.... I really should not have been such a prude my entire life

Well
I'll write ya later
Xo ,
M