Pick That Guy

Here's something which made me giggle

I /we were putting away laundry...

you know the mundane crap task of folding and putting away.

Completing the task...which I despise 

When I heard from the other room...

"This is like a fucking dream come true....Never in my life did I think I would be putting away your underwear....Never...I fucking love this part of all of this"

If anyone ever announces this to you.... pick them.  

seriously 

Pick the person who loves you, your laundry, and your nasty ratty underwear.

xoxo,

just a small piece of wisdom,

m

Cuts Like a Knife

 Fucking Ikea and their death blade serrated knife

A knife that is worse than an old school switchblade....

or better yet....

like a goddamn  machete.

how many times have I cut myself with this knife, you ask?

at least 4 

and man, it will cut through your skin and fingernail like butter.

swoosh

silence....

I look....

so clean the slice....

not even any blood....

then the pain, the blood, the anger

FUCKINGIKEA!!!

Fucking Finger

fucking bagel....

fuckity fuck fuck

I'll survive

shit, I've survived so much this year...

the pinky is minor...

plus

it was

"just the tip"

and no one likes just the tip

write ya later

m

you are welcome

feel free to comment.  

make me feel better

Hey 3:10. Let’s Do This

 3:10 

I’ll sleep when I’m dead 

Been awake for about .... well a life time 

At least since 135 am

In that time I have perused the entire online Ikea catalog....

Thought out a new workout regimen which will undoubtedly change my life for the better...

Redecorated my bedroom, living room, and yard on Pinterest....

Learned how to macrame on YouTube....

And how to cut my own bangs, and give myself a mullet....which no one should ever do no matter how awesome the model makes it look.

I googled  “ how much sleep does a human need to survive average life” .... 

I learned, dying from sleep deprivation is rare ....

 well that’s good .

I’m not sure that fact is correct , but at this point I gotta go with the flow    If  for nothing else, at least for my self preservation, right.?

I used to have people from all over who I could text.... night owls.... 

night shifters .... 

other time zones .... 

but maybe.... 

possibly... 

they to, have died from lack of sleep 

I need a tiny light so that I can read at night.

I thought of going to the gym, but that just made me angry on the inside 

I thought of getting up and cleaning...

That had the same effect as gym 

Someone in one of my Nurse NYC groups commented it could be a little PTSD ( a little?.... is that a thing) 

I don’t feel stressed about COVID or me being a nurse or any of that so I’m not sure.... although I did stop sleeping after that..... 

but being a nurse was the least stressful thing in my life then and maybe now.  

Instead ..... I’m painting my toenails at 5am and drinking coffee and watching the sunrise again 

Life is good in its own way 

I hope you are sleeping well 

Write ya later

M

No explanation

 It’s been a week or 2.   I don’t know or care.   

Life goes on .   

 Thankfully,  it does.

Today I spoke to Ashton’s mom. She lost her child and I have stayed awake every night for almost 2 years reliving that morning and phone call and day and weeks after.   My child lived.   Hers died.   Later to realize my child actually died on that day too .... and has been living an interim.    It’s not like he hasn’t told us.  It’s  not like he hasn’t posted his hurt and feeling of death for over a year .... 

for the same amount of time ....

I have not slept.  I have left my heart and body and hoped for my own death .... over and over again 

I have been present and I know all the things I should do and be doing 

I work.  I care for people . I counsel. I express happiness for others achievements.   I love my lover and daughter ...

I do

But I’m dead to the world 

Sleeping 4 hours a night.   Waiting for the next call 

I’ll be ok.  I can’t control it.  It’s not my fault one is dead I can’t let another die 

My heart and mind hurt 

This fight is winning 

M

longest day and memories...christmas morning

 Life is short...

today, my son hung himself

he is still alive, 

It is not his time

and I hope he will soon understand that he has so much to still give to this world...

that his light has only begun to shine,

even though his head and heart are so heavy he is unable to carry them alone.

We will carry it all for you,Blue....

until you are strong enough

 and the light is bright enough

for you to see the

path 

your beautiful path 

once again 

❤

the call was the same as the one I received the day his girlfriend was found dead from accidental overdose in the bed next to him.

My son, 

he carries the world in his head and his heart,

He has not done art in a year and that, too, has weighed heavy

upon his soul.

We have all been in dark spaces 

We have all had a time when life is so heavy that it seems we 

cannot

continue 

another day

But the next day will most likely never be as bad as the moment you

attempted....

to leave this planet

and us....

you still have so much to give this planet

so much to teach to others

so much love to give

and ....

love to receive....

I promise.

I promise

it is just waiting for the perfect moment

thank you

for 

staying

xo,

m

"acute attempt by hanging 

non diagnosable"

this occurs when the weight of life is too hard to handle and the coping skills are low to none

often seen in abused and abusive relationships and PTSD...

 where one loses the ability to momentarily rationalize

Not due to diagnosable severe depression or mental illness.

if the weight of the world is suffocating you

tell someone

call 911, call anyone ....

and I do realize the weight of the phone is often as heavy as the moment you decide you cannot go on.

It will get better.  

It will

I promise.

national hotline

800-273-8255

long term effects from hanging survival is unknown...

physical and of course mental

many see hope after surviving....

many do not.

many have resources and support...

many do not

Many have the ability to have people care for them and help....

many fall right back into the situation which put them there

Blue...

we will forever fight for your light

there is a reason

mom