My Mammoo.....

I spent half of the Thursday night looking for  a post a did about my mom right after she passed.   Of course I couldn't find it.   I save everything and of course that got thrown out with the bath water.  typcial.  I miss my Mamoo.  Today would have been her birthday.  She was a dancer from the age of 4.   She danced burlesque in Chicago with all the great dancers...  It was her life.  She met my dad dancing.  i guess they both had not so great relationships and when the timing was right they got together.  He took on her truckload of young kids, she took on his group of older kids...there was a 22 year age gap.  My dad took care of her...loved her...took her around the world.  They went to Italy, NY, SanFran,and Bermuda.  Wherever they wanted----they went.  I don't know much about them.  I was the "little mistake" that happened, yet their pride and joy.  The youngest of the 13 put together...I was much the afterthought if we could say thought at all.  That's ok.  I grew up fancy.  I traveled with no complaints.  I hung with seniors.  I was independent.  When I was about 8 my dad was diagnosed with Alzheimer's ...but my mom held strong.  She took care of him through thick and thin. She took care of him in the house until he died...Not once wavering to put him in Long Term care.

But me? I was a shitty kid.  I was punk rock...I ran away, I lived alone, I lived with druggies....but my mom was always there.

The last time I saw her was October of 2003.  She asked Ilin and I to come visit for Halloween.  We went to my sister's house in Michigan.  I stayed strong, which I'm not good at, was polite and did not cry.  We had a fine time.  When it was time to leave she went to the airport with me.   I could barely look at her...the metallic smell of chemo and sickness...the new eyebrows growing over the "tattooed eyebrows" she had to have due to pride and upkeep when the others fell out.  I wanted to ask her so many things....but I wasted that time.  I just sat there, blinded by the mere fact I had done nothing...I had done nothing.  I kept quiet.  She reached over, patted my leg and said, "you know I love you right?"   

               

" yup, of course I do, Mom...don't worry about it"

"You did the best you could, with what you had." she said.

" I know,mom...I love you"

We were sitting in the airport load out and they were flagging us to move, get out or do something....I got my bags and the kid...."Ilin, tell Gramma you love her"

As I got everything together I leaned into the car window....she said with that look in her eye, 

"I'll see you at Thanksgiving...don't worry...and Myssi, take care of that baby you got  in there."  

I had not told my mom about the baby...wasn't even sure if I could keep it.  I just looked at her and said..."I will, Mom....I love you...I do."

I knew that was it...the last time I would see her.

She died around this time that year or so... I can't really remember.  I didn't go back to help her pass...I left that to my sister...something I'll never forgive myself for.  

When all the stuff was sorted and sent out there were boxes of crap sent to me....old pictures and report cards.  Mom's dance cards and flyers.  Everything you could possibly think of and along with it....Notes to the baby, dresses for the baby who she never met, and letters of love to me...sealed in envelopes stuck inside weird things...telling me I will be ok...and I was a good kid...despite it all.

Today would be my mom's bday...she died of cancer and COPD 7 months before Olive was born.  She didn't get to see how I turned out, how smart Ilin is or how adorably obnoxious Olive is...I'm sure she would have laughed...I'm hoping she can see through the clouds....that it is ok...I'm ok...and I'm strong...She taught me strength, morals and the loves of life and I respect her for that.

A young picture of her...

Pictures of me...a bit older than she was....How can two people be so different?  Yet so close?

I miss you Mom...and it's ok.