It sums up the way I am going about present days right now.
Haphazardly, not paying attention and crossing fingers.
Amongst the split I have been trying to maintain normalcy and stay upbeat, so as not to stress out friends etc.
I am trying to work as much as possible, because I don't have to be at home.
When I am at home I am in the guest room, or cleaning...
This weekend the girls from the band called and said come hang...
Come to Berthoud...
sit at the cool table and just be for a bit.
I did, it was nice...I felt ok....for a while....
then I felt myself slipping into old habits that I had hoped I had long gotten rid of.
I left the group I was with...
and just sat alone watching the people. I had not eaten dinner, because food is Meh...
I went to the bar to get another beer and as I was standing there a weird gust of wind blew under my skirt and literally was.....yowza!
A young man sitting on the corner saw it and as I scrambled to gain control of my too light weight skirt flapping around , he said,
"what's happening over there, Marilyn?"
I laughed and said, "well apparently there is a subway underneath here somewhere?"
he smiled, and as I reached for my drink he nodded to the bartender and took care of the cost.
I politely said "thanks" and feeling lost without my buddies or normal group, I left to go sit on a bench and pout, watch the band and try to let go.
I ended up enjoying myself...
as the night came along I had managed to only have 2 beers and was feeling a bit tipsy...but still ok.
I figured I would just leave.
I stood up and hugged my friends and turned around to walk out when there was my beer purchaser right there.
"Would you like to walk next door to the distillery and play some shuffleboard, we need one more person".
Yup, Sure, Why not?
I looked up and said, "I'm Myssi...maybe you want to know my name?"
"I all ready know your name, Myssi"
?
We joined the owner of the art studio across the street and another man named Lukas and played some horrible rounds of shuffle board. I was on Lukas's team and he was quite funny, young, and really tall...
That's what I remember, and laughing a lot.
fun...actually.
At one point, Mr Beer, looked across the table and said, "Hey Lukas, we need to switch teams....
you have an unfair advantage"
we laughed and switched...
we all talked, it was nice to talk to other people, hear other stories and life lessons.
It was old and familiar, but I realized I was slipping back into the solitaire again.
I realized it was time to go.
I didn't need to be in a group of unfamiliar, a bit drunk, in a town where I don't really know people.
I excused myself to the bathroom then decided to just go ahead and leave...
dark but small town, perfectly warm,
as I stepped out onto the street
I heard my name....
"let me walk you...where did you park?"
I'm good...
no worries....
Familiar and unfamiliar
....Atlanta in my mind....
walk yourself...
he said, "I would feel better...I can walk over here and just make sure you get where you need be."
No it's ok, walk with me.
we talked about the stars above and music...
growing up in small towns.
the walk was short but it seemed a lot was said.
Parking lot was found and car keys were in hand....
"May I call you?"
Probably not the best time...
you would be sadly disappointed in your choice...
"You should not be so bossy, and let me decide that"
I stood there
he opened the door and let me get in...tapped the roof and waved.
I pretty much know.
I have been someone's misery for about 13 years now.
I never wanted or realized I was making his life so horrible.
I never wanted that.
My best friend.
He's always been a great guy, awesome, funny, talented....
he just doesn't love me
and I can't get past it.
It's going to be ok.
I didn't want to do this again, because the first time I almost ended up on the street because I'm not a fighter.
I have good people around me.
I have work, and my kids...
I have some money, but it's my savings and I will prob need that to stay alive as a senior citizen.
