life is funny

 life is really quite hysterical.  just going along and then Boom you have to take care of shit.

real shit, shit you don't want to do.

No one to really discuss it with so I just quietly schedule the appointments and wait for the next request.

The costs for these appointments are exorbitant.

Every time I go to the women's clinic it is considered a specialist.

Do men have to do this with their wieners( I before E, except after C)?

Every issue is a specialist?  I highly doubt it because they can talk to their male primary care and get everything taken care of from there.

For me, and I do realize I am not the only one, I have to go to a specialist for every damn body part.

Last month my foot, which wasn't covered, so I paid out of pocket cash for an appointment and an MRI.

Now, boobs....appointment and MRI (specialist)

Next request was uterus ( start with ultra sound and biopsy ) again a specialist.

Would it be cheaper to just get the boobs removed?

What makes boobs a specialty? 80$ every visit.  because it isnt primary care, but it is primary care. We are  required to have them and bottom halves checked every year.  Not my fault my PCP doesn't do that.

Pretty sure they can check a prostate at the PCP office and it isn't "special".

I jokingly said last month, " what I wouldn't do for a flat chest. 

Universe, this isn't what I meant.

As I plod quietly through these appointments, scheduling when I should be at work. I know it is what it is.

I just don't really care for it.

I accept it and my biggest request is that my feet get fixed so that I can begin living again, which would take a way some of the stress.

My other request is to feel whole again.

Which I think is a reasonable request and I think I can make it happen.

calm down

xo,

m

Boobs and Feet, Boobs and Feet

 

Boobs and feet ....weird topic but one occupying my mind lately.

10 years ago this month I had my right breast cleared of breast cancer via surgery.

Just one boob...no biggie...Was told I should take Chemo, but with some counseling we decided maybe it wasn't the best for me right then.  I had small kids and needed to work full time...I didn't have the time to be sick or tired, I had enough of that with my life in general back then. hahahaha

The statement from my then Oncologist , who has since retired, 

"Its not if...it's when ...10 years, most likely"

Those damn old man doctors, full of non documentable information.

Shit the Journal of American Medicine could never prove.

They know...

So, this morning a nice MRI for my foot which has been the bain of my extra curricular life for about 2 years now and getting progressively worse.  

Luckily, as I lie there in the MRI tube listening to the bings and bongs and the occasional tech giving me the countdown of time 

"good job, Melissa , we have about 3 more sets of 7 minute picture rounds"

why didn't he just say we have 21 minutes left? Does the way he stated it sound easier?

maybe.

The MRI didn't bother me. They gave me headphones and I listened to Jason Isbell and thought about warm weather and my list of chores I needed to complete....

and the fact I had another telehealth call at 11 that I better be done with.

We were done in time and the results were in my chart before I got home.

pretty pretty good

Small tear on some Achilles Ligament and something else which I really should know because I'm a nurse,

but I don't.

but I do know it was nothing horrible and I'm betting for the cash money the Sports Medicine guy is charging , it will be fixed with a boot and rest for 8 weeks

and it's not plantar fasciitis...which is good.

that's hard to fix , really hard.

Made it home in time for my telehealth video. 

She started with the good news, not that any is really bad

No BRCa gene, which means I am clear from that, and so is Olive and Ilin.

But then.... outta no where she says

" I'm going to schedule for a breast MRI and make sure you get your yearly mammogram. You will be doing every other one each 6 months ongoing from here on out. Your cancer risk is 37.3% which puts you in the high risk category.  So once we get those first rounds done we will schedule from the findings and anything we find we should be able to treat quickly, because thats the key with this type of history"

ok, lady.  i liked you, now I'm a little stressed and wish I was having a beer while doing this telehealth.

" let's make sure you get the ultra sound of your uterus as discussed last month when you were here.

Insurance should have no problems covering these because of the risk involved .....and when you come in we can discuss a referral for double masectomy; when you are ready"

what?

wait a minute, 

how did we go from no gene to boob removal?

yeah, no.  I'm not ready...i'm doing the math in my head and I still have 72% chance nothing will happen.

Are these things they just have to slide in there in the conversation? or does she know more than I do 

probably the latter even though I am a well educated RN, I kinda didn't do too well in the women's health part of school or clinicals.

Any way.  one thing at a time...  feet first... I want to be able to have some fun.

then boobs.  

I guess 

if anyone has any insight let me know.

They are just boobs...

but honestly i can't imagine using my PTO for boobs in stead of beach vacation.

xo, 

m

the first time of diagnosis

for your reading pleasure

Thursday Night Update

 here we go ...

I saved my drink of the week for writing tonight. I feel like I have earned it. 

It is interesting how things just ebb and flow. One week I am at my wits end with work, my body, my life...then Boom... just like that, I could give 2 shits.  Just keep moving forward. 

As long as I don't think " to what end am I moving forward?  There is only so much forward I can go before the forward is over"

. Weird thought, huh?

Work

Work has been fine.

I had a long discussion with myself last week on the drive into work. It's work. No need to be dramatic. The job isn't bad, the people are fine.....the problem is that it is just work, and that is part of the picture. I'll be just fine. Just do what I do, stay on the no problem list and make the money....then go on vacation or save to buy a house somewhere quiet. 

Health

Health is keeping me on my toes. I spent my late 30's to late 40's preparing my body for retirement. I wanted to be strong enough, fit enough and solid enough to be able to enjoy life in my late 50's on.  I wanted to wear the bikini, jump off the cliff and ride the motorcycles. 

When my feet started hurting and I could no longer run, I think I just quit. I think in hindsight I was so mad at my body, or myself, that I literally just quit trying to be that person.  I realized that maybe part of this was menopause and the feeling of distress that no matter what I did I would never be strong again or even worse I would forever be in this pain that I have been quietly experiencing. I decided, " ok, I don't need to run, but please, PLEASE can I walk without pain so that I can at least hike? Please...." 

That has yet to be determined. 

I started back to the gym. I called my Dr and she started me on HRT.  It's controversial for me because I had breast cancer, but after counseling and looking at my life, past and future hopes, we decided together that living my best life is more beneficial at this point, because what good is longevity if I can't function?  HRT is coming with some pretty weird side effects , hopefully temporary, so I'm ok with that. Within a week my aches and pains in my joints are gone, my sleep went from 3-4 hours a night to 7-9. This alone has made me less tired and emotional.  On the downside I started my period again because of the estrogen....but I can survive that. Been dealing with that for 35 years so it is what it is. I have been requested to do a follow up in 3 months. I was tested for BRCA gene and will get an ultra sound and an MRI for a tumor in my uterus, so that we can monitor if it is growing or if it's just a cyst. Two weeks now and my feet still hurt, but I will schedule an appointment with a sports medicine doctor and see what the next step is.  All in all, I feel positive.  I have been lifting weights 3 times a week and going to at least 2 to 3 classes ,including yoga ,a week.  This is really helping my mind set. Yoga is honestly been a real game changer for me and my mind.

I'm drinking only about 3 drinks/beer a week and feel better but sometimes want to have a few more still...but I think that is ok. I can indulge once in a while. 

Goals

I really need to finish some things in which I have started, and I know that. Big goals for this summer are some house upkeep including building a divider wall in our attic guest room. ( I have never done that before but I think I can do it).  I want to learn how to fly fish ( got the poles all ready ). I want to get stronger at gravel riding and quit being a silent crybaby in my head when I ride. And the big goal.....I really want to put money down on a piece of property. Anything.... something that is mine and I can maybe put a little trailer on and have a place to go and invite friends.

This summer we have plans of camping and a few small local trips and I am even planning a few solo things.  I'm grateful my other half encourages this.  I would love to solo travel to Georgia to see my friend Ivey, the nurse I bested with in NY during Covid.  I just miss her.

Well, that is probably enough blabbering for now.  There literally was no comedy or depth to this writing...it was just to say I am moving forward and learning to accept all of this new stuff with grace.

xo.

write ya later

m

Transition in Body Starts Now

there is nothing funny about any of this post

except that sometimes all you can do is laugh...

 Menopause.  it's flipping awesome.   No joke.  

I've gained 21 pounds on a 5' frame.  with no changes to my diet etc.  It's horrifying and making me hate myself once again.

I can't run distance right now, but I am still going to the gym and doing my best.  My best is NOT good enough...it's not.

I said to myself last week that after my Dr. appointment I would work from there. She put me on a low dose hormone therapy of estrogen and progesterone and after 3 months we can talk about testosterone if needed.  These are things, that if you are not going through it, you can never ever understand.  It is very similar to childbirth ...

Nothing you hear or read can get you ready or prepare you for it. 

I'm holding myself accountable because I truly hate the way I look right now, which is 100% effecting my sex life.  I'm worried for what he will think when he looks at me.  My clothes do not fit and I feel yuk in my own skin. This is not like me because for so many years, I, regardless of everything else, felt good about me and my body.  I had someone who told me I was beautiful and to me, it made me feel beautiful.

As of now, I have cut down my drinking to 3 drinks about a week, contrary to TikTok the weight has not disappeared from hidden calories.:))

  I cannot run right now because of the plantar fasciitis.  But I still am going to the gym 5-6 times a week and doing different classes.  I am monitoring my intake.  I do realize it won't be easy but I'm giving myself 4 months to turn this boat into there right direction.  

I am thankful for a few things :

I'm still alive

He tells me I'm more beautiful than ever and he does not see what I see

I have a Dr who listened and is helping.

I am fairly healthy

it's embarrassing but here we go

xo 

m

Hookers and Yahoo

I had just had my baby 

Isn't that always the way?

Uncomfortable for over 9 months.

Insecure and tired.

fat and alone

I knew it wasn't the first

second, or third time, 

but it was the time I actually saw proof.

Left open on the shared computer, the emails.

setting up times.

My heart broke and it was the last time I ever trusted him.

ever.

I printed the emails and saved them.

I confronted and showed them

gaslighting....

"you are crazy. I was just looking. I would never do anything. you are so paranoid...."

and the best, 

"you made me do this, because of your insecurities....I'm never good enough"

I turned a blind eye after that.  I was told I was unattractive. I was called a nag. I was left to fend for myself, instead of being together ,we were now apart.

Very apart.

I had to get tested. I had to not ask questions so that I was not told I was a crazy person. My heart and mind KNEW there were more than 2 times.  I knew it but could do nothing....

except wonder why I was never enough for him.

Now I know....

it wasn't me,

but it scarred me nonetheless

years and years 

until I realized 

it really

wasn't me.

The secret life I lived.

xo,

m