Knitting under the influence

I walked in the door last night, a bit late but not bad, I did have to stop and feed a friend's cat, so not too late. "How are you?" I feel fine, I guess. I'm tired. I didn't sleep last night....my mind races when I'm sleeping. I often wake with a start, like the feeling when you have overslept the alarm. "I dreamt I could never potty train Olive and she had to go to college still in Pullups, then I chopped Ilin's head off for not cleaning his room and in the midst of all of that I was trying to take my NCLEX, but couldn't remember anything....so besides that , I'm fine" I popped open a beer. "Yeah, but how's the anxiety?" ........Oh yeah, that.
You see this Saturday I woke up fine. I actually had a pretty good sleep, no worries, just sleep. When I woke I felt a bit dizzy and my knees were a bit weak. Odd, but I am almost 40. I took a shower and could barely stand upright...and then a bit of tingling started in my arms....my chest hurts, right in the middle. "Bobby, I feel weird." "What do you mean weird?" "I feel like my chest is doing something weird...I can't breathe right"
I got out of the shower and just kind of tried to suck it up. I'm fine...I'm fine...about a an hour later we were sitting at the carwash waiting in line. "Bobby, I need you to take me to urgent care...I'm having a heart attack or something...I don't know...I feel,... not right." "Can we do the carwash first?" "I guess...just get me to the Urgent Care as soon as we are done"
By the time we got around the corner to the urgent care my head waas spinning, I was shaking like a leaf, I couldn't breathe and I really thought I was a goner.
They got me to the back hooked me up to the EKG...ran some tests and let me rest. The Dr. came back and asked me a few questions and then handed me a prescription for Xanax, told me to follow up with my Primary, and try to figure out what triggers it. "you mean I'm fine?" yup...Panic attack. Just realize you aren't going to die from it...that is the first step.

Well, that was pretty anti climatic, which is good I guess. We left, went to the mall and finished my day.
When I got home last night...the flutters in my chest were there again. Bobby wanted to eat Sushi so I drank my beer, said my "I'm not going to die" mantra in the back of my head and went to the Sushi place. I ordered a wine...relaxed, thought about the thin line between whack job and normal...the line I now appear to be wavering on. My life is normal, I'm busy, I do things, but my head races. Full of things I should do or haven't done....thoughts of cleaning base boards in the bathroom as I sit here and drink my wine....It's not normal....or is it? It's like having sex and thinking of the laundry that needs to be done...normal, yet not normal.
I ordered a saki..."How's the anxiety?" Stop IT...I'm fine...it's normal. Maybe I just need a few more lists, or a vacation or something. But in the back of my mind I know that I'm the person on the vacation who is fine the first day then starts thinking that I have only 5 more days of vacation...4 more days of vacation, 3 more days of vacation, gosh in 2 days we have to go back to crappy work... and how relaxing is that...maybe it's normal
Just let it go...breathe...I'm not gonna die, I'm not gonna die, I'm not gonna die....Xanax won't let me.

Just in case you weren't familiar:

• Palpitations, pounding heart, or fast heart rate
• Sweating
• Trembling and shaking
• Sensations of shortness of breath or smothering
• Feelings of choking
• Chest pain or discomfort
• Nausea or abdominal distress
• Feeling dizzy, unsteady, lightheaded, or faint
• Derealization (feelings of unreality) or depersonalization (being detached from oneself)
• Fear of losing control or going crazy
• Fear of dying
• Paresthesias (numbness or tingling sensations)
• Chills or hot flashes