life ...knock ya down again

Life is great .  You roll like a pro for a while then life smacks you in the face , just so that you know how good you have it. It is literally heart breaking.

People like to say, you don't understand... you don't get it.  Let me tell you something , I get it. 

People suck .  When you are a strong person it surprises others as to why you are so mistrusting.  Or why you need to talk shit out all the time....why you need support, not financial etc....but a bit of emotional support.  As a strong woman, I am not fucking stupid.  I am not passive.  I grew up the baby sister of 8 older brothers. They did not put up with my shit and they taught me not to put up with other's shit.  Is this a plus? 

fuck no.  

I trust no one. 

 I expect everyone to talk shit out and on top of that , honestly?...I expect almost every male, to fuck me over in the long run....so far I'm right (short of maybe one).   It sucks...because I continuously look for the good, but men can't handle strong, smart women.  They waiver.  They think it's awesome at first then they go out and look for a woman who will not question, will keep quiet and won't challenge.   I'm not into that.   I need a MAN. a man who can give support, talk, and let me know they can be in charge if needed, yet step aside and let me be me.

See this guy?    do you know him?   well I do.   

This is my Nephew , Brady Graves. read about him here.  

This is family....he's not the only black sheep in my family.  I come from a family of strong ass woman and these narcissistic men. You know what we do?  we feel guilty and take care of them . We support them and become enablers.  

Brady served his time,(prison, parole, etc.) he's not an idiot. He graduated the top of his class at the Academy and went into the Marines at the highest level.   You know what else he did? he started smoking meth. He blamed it basically on the women in his life.   It's heart breaking.  

Don't tell me I don't understand.  

Don't tell me I ask too many questions or that I tell it like it is.   

We support, we love , we are passionate, we take them in, we pay , .....

we are idiots.

This guy, above, he's on the wrong path again.   He blames everyone except the one who made the decision to smoke meth....even blaming the beautiful sister who has supported him from prison to rehab.   

He's a victim.....bullshit.

  He's a grown man making shit ass poor decisions and blaming everyone else.

I know many people won't ever get it.  But when you grow up around men who are weak, men who lie, cheat and steal ,then blame the mothers , daughters, and lovers in their lives ....us daughters, wives and lovers grow up bitch ass hard and hard as hell to love.   We are appealing on the outside then as soon as you get close you back away.  We ask questions....we trust too much until we don't, and we want emotional support.

There are not many men who can stand up to that....or to a seemingly normal family which has it's seedy underside.  lately, I find men weak ....with lack of ability to have compassion or to love outside their circle.   they are often so self centered it is repulsive.  

A man who says "I need my own stuff ....I don't know what to say....I can't support you emotionally" is not a man you want as a lover, boyfriend or spouse....They will never connect outside their personal space.

It's unfortunate.
write ya later

m

The closest way to a woman is to touch her brain, her emotions, her thoughts.
Talk, Listen.... question and think together

It's better than sex.....dope soul.  

ps: and don't smoke meth....

meth never turns out good

Unfortunately. watch for my nephew in the news again.....its; only a matter of time

Sometimes

Sometimes I just want to scream 

You are a FUCKING idiot !!!!

But that’s not nice 

Write you later,

M

A boring story and piece of advice

A world far far away there was a tired tired woman. Not just physically tired, but emotionally tired...

questioning everything in her life . You will make the right decision, you always do.  You will know when the time is right? You will do the right thing.

I hear this all the time about people. "Do the right thing".

Ahhh phooey.

What is the right thing? The right thing might just be, feeling good and doing what feels good for a change. 

When you hear someone say they haven't been touched in over a year, or haven't had sex in forever, or even kissed anybody in ages....what do you think?  

I think....that fucking sucks.  

Why?  Are they yucky people? Are they unable to love? Are they crazy? Or is it that someone is manipulating them?

Sometimes you have to look at someone and say ....fuck it.  just do it.  You live your one life and it needs to be a good one and shit is not always conveniently timed. People come into your life for a reason, if it is a shitty reason, they disappear, but if it is a real reason....they stick around, they are there ....

So when someone takes your hand and touches your leg and you are questioning, maybe you should just let go a bit. 

To feel wanted is an amazing thing for everyone. 

A kiss, the dart of a tongue, a smile, the brush of fingertips and that electricity.  If it is not meant to be, you won't feel that fire. Sometimes we have to tell people to do what they wouldn't normally do to see if it is right for them. Sometimes timing sucks and sometimes we have to put away our taught morals and remember , it's our life.  Grown ups.  Live.

write ya later,

m

It's just fucking tacos

     Everyday seems to become more of a WTF moment in life. Ya know, ya try to get your meditation in, workout, be kind, then someone forgets your goddamn tacos on Taco Tuesday.

No shit....it can really mess a family up.

We ventured out to our favorite nameless taco joint in our town for the Taco Tuesday 1$ tacos. Just to be clear, we go all the time, not just for cheap tacos.

We made the mistake of heading in a little later than usual so it was the big rush.

We waited the standard 45 minutes to sit....it's fine, pretty normal around here. Sat down, ordered drinks and chips and salsa.  So far so good. Placed our order, then proceeded to watch multiple tables get their food and leave while we still sat there. Being a former waitress, I should have asked earlier, but being a female who never blames anyone else kept me from asking, "Where's my TACOs???"

1.5 hours went by for 6 tacos and the waitress finally came by to see how everything was.  

I just looked right at her and said " what's going on....it's been almost 2 hours for 6 tacos" 

She about died.  She thought we had all ready eaten and we were just taking up space.  At that point I felt bad...  this is what waitressing nightmares are made of.  ( if you ever waited tables you know what I'm talking about).  She apologized and went to see what had happened ...she came back mortified and said it was her fault (brave lil mother fucker), she forgot to out the order in.

For the record.... I did not freak out..... I did the even worse thing.  

I calmly said..." It's ok, it's cool, can we have the check for our 3 beers , chips and salsa, and soda? I have to get up in 5 hours for work "  She went, came back and said the owner was buying us everything and gave us comp tickets for next visit.   This is always a nice gesture, but not necessary.  The other half sat silently across the table.  I made the decision to leave....I could not sit there 30 minutes more to wait for 6 tacos.

Sad part is.....it was 9pm.  no more Taco Tuesday open in our little town after 830. I knew I had opened a can of worms with my decision. 

As we walked out the silent other half turned into a 2 year old, break down city....which I understand, but grown men should not act as such. "Fine , I guess I won't eat tonight....I don't want to cook so I guess, just fine. "

Then decided to write a scathing review of our favorite restaruant and post it.  

I guess this story is 2 or 3 fold. 

1. shit happens.  Was I a bit peeved? yes, but mistakes happen, we are all human and it was just fucking tacos.  I just didn't want to sit anymore....I have been up since 4 am, I'm tired. 

2. More often than not I start seeing assholeyness in people that I really wish I didn't. I don't care for childish, footstomping behavior from grown men.  It's like screaming when they see a spider.  It just isn't working for me anymore.

3. It's just fucking tacos.

4 unrelated: Today I realized when someone said, " there is nothing like disrobing a man in a suit to have good sex".  hmmmm  Like James Bond style? I have never in my life had sex with a man who wears a suit.  I have never even been with a man who wears a nice suit, let alone take one off of someone. 

I'll just dwell on that for a while. Remember , it's just fucking tacos....shit happens , and if you are a man....just deal with the spider, please.

write you later,

m

drunkard and braless

Lord, I drank way too much yesterday. 

Way. Toooooo. Much

It's ok, it gave me a much needed break from reality and thinking about things.

 I put on a frumpy dress, slapped on some sunscreen and mascara, and we headed to the Cherry Creek Arts Festival.

My downfall was the liquor samples.

they were tasty, especially in the 100 degree weather. 

You know what was nice?   

Over the past few weeks I have been trying to get my head back together, in the way of not thinking about what others may view me as.

I have been working out and looking the way I want to look for me.

hell, Today I am braless.  0 fucks given. 

well, I am braless mostly because I feel too crappy hungover to put on a bra. But it is still liberating.

This week my schedule is full. Work my 4 10's. I have my last 12 hour clinical. And I need to write a senior outcomes paper.  Within this week I also hope to work out twice and attempt to get some chores done.   I got this. 

I guess I will wash my bras too because I don't think my fear factor is to the level of going braless to work, plus it is probably highly inappropriate.

Im not that fearless ....yet

write ya later,

m