365 days: Don't Margarita and Text

Taco Tuesday was....well Tuesday.

I went to Jefes and had tacos.....and apparently 3 champagne margaritas.  

yup...3, with sugared rim.  I'm going to tell you they were divine.

I am also going to tell you that anyone who knows me, knows I am not supposed to drink margaritas or tequila....

unless on vacation, in another state...or preferably, country.

I do bad things on tequila.

I used to fight....

really fight.   

I'd be fun on minute and before you know it I was on someone's back pulling their hair out.

( I believe this stems from having too many brothers and from being a redhead / bartender at the time)

So....tequila was always my drink of choice after bartending in Atlanta....It made my little 5' self indestructable.

(fight club)

This is how I imagined myself, but the badass female version...

My friends, who were mostly guys would laugh and yell, 

"watch out....the little vixen has been drinking the Tequila and unless ya wanna fight....be nice".

(romper stomper)

Pretty sure this is how I looked ....

with all my friends standing behind me

Pipsqueak...that's what I was

(ps if you haven't seen those 2 movies...you should)

Anyways , today....I thought it was Wednesday, ALL DAY....

Because apparently 3 margaritas made me lose an entire day. 

Just so you know....I did work the day after and today, so in all logical terms I should have just done the math....but I guess I was so tired (aka as hung over) I lost the day. 

As I finished my shift in the Operating Room I said,

"I'm so tired I can't believe it is only Wednesday "

Gio...anesthesia Dr. looked at me and said, "What , you guys aren't off tomorrow?" ( not really listening to me)

I said, "why the heck would we be off on Thursday....it's our busiest day"

"yeah...today was Hella busy...tomorrow is Friday, little lady"

What?What! 

I was so happy I thought I was gonna have to kiss him on the lips...but 

1. realized it would not be appropriate or sterile

2. I barely know him

3. he already thinks I'm nuts...so no no kissing for joy...we will save that for next month

My night of 3 margaritas went something as follows.

Tacos....mmmmm

ok, did you just say Champagne Margaritas are a special drink today?  

I'm in...I'll have just one.

(this got a sideways slightly angry look from B)

Just one...sheesh

slurrrrrp.

B, to bathroom....

"psssst, hey...yes please...i'll have another"

then I took a few pictures of how delightful it was ...

then decided it would be proper time to bring up all the reasons I might need a divorce, in my head....

then ordered one more just for shit's sake....

then went to the bathroom because, well you know....but also because Jefe's has the best music in the bathroom...which that night as I peed was "de La Soul"

and as I sat there....enjoying the tunes....I texted someone who I should not have texted whilst drinking tequila ...or ever, knowing quite clear in my head he does not want to hear from me...but with the 3rd tequila running through my veins...

I thought, "he's my friend...it's De La Soul in the bathroom!!!!....it's awesome and he would appreciate"....

text sent....

realize text is sent....

think about crying, because, you know ...tequila...and lost love....and I was happy 2 minutes ago, now I'm sad a bit, and thinking about stuff....but mostly I'm just mad I sent the fucking text....

"For Fucks sake....stupid Margaritas!"

the girl in the next stall says

"yeah...stupid taco Tuesday!"

and I say..."but De La Soul is awesome"

then I wipe, wash and mope out to the bar.

Ok, B...let's go...

On the way home...Tequila had me open the gates of discussion 

"hey, how do YOU feel about this roommate thing we have going on?"

Blank stare...B:"why are you even starting this right now?'

I don't fucking know...."tequila?maybe?"

shhhhhh M......shhhhhhhhhhh

make it home with mouth shut

no Fight Club tonight.

Got home and decided to walk the dog so that I didn't get all Romper Stomper.

so I walked and got a few texts from friends who always seem to text at perfect times.  

I drunkenly sent texts of the golf course...

where I got a funny text back that said..."I would love to play golf poorly there with you, my friend...and I'll let ya drink tequila and fight."

and another from a girlfriend that said , "well...did ya send nekkid pics out?"

I said ...."hmmm well not yet but it is only 9:15"...

ok you got my number. :))

so...Tequila....or champagne margaritas....you got me good.  

I lost a day.

I sent a text to an old lover...

and I sent some texts to some just plain loves....

I won some and lost one...well 2...because I lost a day also.

but ...

guess what , tomorrow is Friday. and it only gets better and maybe without the help of damn tequila...

it will be all right.

write ya later,

from the Tequila Texting Fight Club Team

m

Me, Myself and I.....boom

oh really?

When did it happen?.... and why, now, can I not figure out what to do? Let me put parts of this post into perspective.... It is really not KNOWING what to do, because I do...it's going about it in the right manner and knowing that I am doing the right thing.

Trying to determine when the exact time it started to happen is like searching for a needle in a haystack.  I will never know for sure....I will never know if it was me, per se, or him.

Was it a stubborn fight over petty shit and the fact we are both so stubborn we don't give in? Was it a punishment....? Was it anger? Hurt? Pain?

Let us just say all of it.

I'm week 7 or so into therapy...and there is a lot of talk about me, of course. It was suggested I "try things on".  Think about living in the moment of different scenarios and see how they feel. Talk about them with myself and try to maybe write it down.  ooooh. write it down....I can do that.  I can't talk about it, but I can surely write about it.

The first thing which came to light is that I have been over care taking.

????

(This is a long one, but I need to write it...)

therapist kindly pointed out that I am putting quite a bit out, yet getting nothing in return.

What do you get in return...say it out loud....what do you get???

1. someone who is here with me.

what else?

2. He fixes things.

you can hire someone.  M, what do you get?  is there reciprocity in this relationship? 

hmmmm not even sure what that means, but no.

OK...

What is your biggest issue right now....why are you here?

1. intimacy. I need touch, conversation, safety and sex ( that involves touch)

legitimate answer. Are you getting these things?

I get short answer conversation.

Are you initiating? 

Initiating what?  conversation?....sometimes, Sex? Can't now, it has been too long and without conversation??? or intimacy....no....

Does he? 

no.

Have you addressed it?

multiple times and it turns into an argument and I feel bad, and I feel dumb, trivial, and like a beggar.

Do you think this is normal? or that other relationships are this way.

Absofuckinglutely not.

Ok, M.  This is all from your side, He is not here...so we cannot speak for him....but you seem very grounded, caring, smart, and not asking for anything out of an ordinary situation.

BUT

I feel like I AM asking for too much.  That I am needy...

Thoughts from me; Friends are important, and he is my friend, not just because of time spent, but because he is really my friend.  I enjoy his company....I just would like more, like before, like in the beginning. (granted it has been almost 20 years...but I see other couples loving each other )

Ask yourself, Is he willing to add something to help this?

Well, Let's be honest, he doesn't feel like there is problem.

This is when I really started to think, not that I don't think all the fucking time....but I exchanged places with some different scenarios.  I "tried a few things on"

First I thought about at what point in something called a relationship is it safe and satisfying when the other person stops showing you emotion. Even in critical illness or hard times, there should be this. I'm not saying full out sex everyday, I'm saying a hug, a touch...a nice word....

forward....

hey, is this roommate thing working for you?....

I dont know what you mean.

Really....really?  are you kidding me

3 champagne margaritas.....

WTF>.  really    

you are picking a fight

ok

fuck you

write ya later....

m

Artsy Crafty Stuff

Day after Mother's Day and I had the day off.

It's nice, and although I wanted to just lay around and contemplate life, I got my ass up and checked a few things off my list.

I did some crafty things...

finished up a few projects and tidied some stuff which had been bothering me, but seemed daunting to  start.

It really wasn't.  Honestly, I was just a bit lazy.

My sewing/ and knitting room had turned into a spider haven and dump area for the family.

So, I got in there, vacuumed and put the yarn into the little boxes where it should live, cleaned the tables of the 2" of dust and threw out a bunch of old fabric and garbage.  Still have stuff to chuck, but it is a start.

I figure if I am going to be here, I might as well make it what I want.

It definitely needs a revamp, but I enjoy the shabby chic coziness.

Once I was tidied I used up some old fabric and whipped a test run of a scrub hat for work.

They cost about 15$ so I figured I would make a few, save some cash and use up some fabric. 

It will work to get my lil bit of hair all covered for surgeries and have a little sassy flair too.

Then in order to stay on track I headed outside and worked in the yard.

I mulched everything.

...backyard...

it should look nice when the stuff starts popping up

and the front yard....everything is mulched.  I don't think I have ever finished mulching the entire yard in the same year.

I enjoy working in the yard.  It is just sometimes a bit overwhelming, but as I work on each little section each year it becomes easier and actually seems to take care of itself now.

I really just have to maintain stuff...pull some weeds and add some color.

I keep digging up the grass because I find it a nuisance.

That all took quite a while.

But when I was cleaning the sewing room I found my trusty glue gun and glue sticks and that was my reward.

When I went to Costa Rica last time I noticed they had all these sparkly mirror hanging things from the balconies.  I just loved them and asked about them.  They said it was to keep the monkeys from those areas, and that they made them ...you couldn't buy them.

So today, I sat down and made some for my back deck.

I love my back deck when everything is blooming. So the addition will be perfect.

to make the sparkly things you need 

1. fishing line

2. beads of any sort, but a couple of heavier ones to weigh the string down

3. glass squares (you can get them at any Michaels or such)

4. glue gun

I like them about 3 to 4 feet long. I make a loop at one end then I glue the fishing line in-between the 2 little glass squares.  As I go down the string I put a bead in-between the mirrors.  At the end I like to add a skull bead or a crystal bead to catch the sun.

Sparkly, cheap, easy.

Here I think you might be able to see them hanging behind the swing from the trumpet vine which hasn't bloomed yet.

So, my day was productive. I still need to run and clear my brain...

but, it feels good to get things done, throw things away and make my space relaxing and mine.

go make some sparkly things.

write ya later,

m

maybe Ill go make cupcakes, everyone loves cupcakes.

Don't be too sure of that....

To my past and present and future.....

Jesus and Mary Chain featuring Hope Sandoval (Mazzy Star)

I gave you all I had

I gave you good and bad

I gave but you just threw it back

I won't get on my knees

Don't make me do that please

I've been away but now I'm back

Don't be too sure of that

What makes you sure of that

You went away you can't come back

I walked away from you

I hurt you through and through

Aw honey give me one more chance

Aw you're a lucky son

Lucky son of a gun

You went away, you went away

You went away but now you're back

I got down on my knees

and then I begged you please....

I always knew you would take me back

write ya later,

m

Hate

i feel so fucking hateful right now.
To life
To you ....
To myself ....
for my friends ....
for my son ....
Just hateful ....



Just had to say that.
Now go be happy.... and know I have this angry hatehurt shit covered for all of us  


Ps....
Note to all.
Don’t say things to people you don’t mean ...
it’s hurtful in the long run....

A few examples :
You are beautiful ( when they can perfectly see via photos  they are not)
You are strong ( when you know they may not be  ok)
I will always be there ( when you are planning departure)

Be kind

Write ya later ....
You actually are amazing, and happiness is all yours...you so deserve it...to see you smile is worth a million days plus a few
xo,

M