My Life in Black. Mortality

 Today I took a few moments to do some true self care and time to think.

I choose not to go to the gym. 

I chose not to run...

I chose not to stress...

What I did choose was:

Coffee

Real Housewives of Beverly Hills

and

DIY pedicure and nails

and contemplation.

Mortality

in the next week I seriously will have to deal with life in my face again

I can only think that the spirits that be ,want me to

UNDERSTAND

what Death means....

what Life means....

what Love means....

Death, Suicide, NY, Depression, Divorce, and

Mortality.

In the next week I will be writing as much as my mind and Psyche allows.

I am heading to my home town to sit in wait, 

hopefully with humor, grace and mostly love,

with my childhood bestie as she dies.

I will be as strong as I can for her and we know at this point it is harder for us than her...

She has promised to try to make it til Friday, when I arrive....

 and I believe her, because she has never lied to me before and she is a doer.

I have 2 nights to lay in her bed ( the bed her gramma died in),

bathe her, rub her back, Paint her nails, pull her chin hairs,

have a cocktail if tolerated, and laugh about the entire idiocy of life itself.

In my mind I am so sorry and sad, yet grateful this is quick for her.

I am trying not to think of what this really is quietly doing to me on the inside.

why am I called to these situations over and over 

there must be a reason?

right?

I cant fix it

 

Here I am.  

full of hate and angst

I'm going to talk about things people don't want me to talk about  

I want to die

often

I know it's not ok...I know we aren't supposed to talk about it

it's for teens ....it's for crazy people ...it's for psychos

but....

I'm just a mom, struggling....53. 

struggling

I ache with pain from what my son has experienced and what I had to see that day....and the aftermath it has brought.  being a nurse, I have seen so much....but this hurt me...his love,  there on the floor...him outside in his underwear with no support ....nothing....her on the floor dead......

it hurt me

I couldn't fix it

I couldn't help myself by leaving and going to NY to help with Covid,

I divorced...

I hopefully saved him, but not me

I still couldn't feel like I did anything.   I really did nothing....

NY

I was just there...I did what I could....I did my job....but my heart still hurts

I couldn't fix it....

my daughter hurts....

I can't help her

I can't fix it

I can't fix myself

I go to work everyday and help fix others ..........

It's my job

but here I am, 

every night with no sleep

with thoughts of death....

with thoughts my children may kill their selves because of my poor parenting

I can't fix it

.......

m

Earned it

 Just old   

it's a hard realization

lets finish this conversation soon

The Gym, Inner Peace, and Sleep

 I'm watching this silly show on Hulu called Shrill. 

There is a part of the show where they are camping, and she cant pee outside....so, he says

" How about if I pee here with you?"

it works, and if this isn't one of those weird silly things you do when falling in love, then what is it?

Watching people fall in love....well, it just melts me. I'm a sucker for love....

With that said ,

the Gym is slowing easing into my heart.   Not like ooey gooey love, but more like..."Ok, I'm feeling ya deadlifts....I'm ready for you box squats". Like easing into a love where you weren't super sure but it grows on you....and it's not bad.

I'm on week 3 and I'm learning a little bit... not only about what I can do, even when I don't want to....but a little bit about finding my quiet inner peace in which I fight with constantly. 

My mind never stops....it counts steps, bites, it solves math problems while driving, and then.....

out of the blue....it shuts down, usually while I  am driving home from work, and I start to doze. 

WHILE DRIVING...

I digress

the gym....I'm finding that once I get past the front door, with my workout instructions in hand my mind starts to calm.   

5 sets, 12 reps, 

brain says....you can do it...push... then check it off your list.

My mind says, Girl, you are strong, and every time you show up, you are a better person for your self.

Truth.

It's a bit of new found inner peace...

I have to slow down, I have to plan self care even though in my head, at the end of a 12 hour shift I say, " Im tired, I can't today...." Then I remember my promise to myself.

Start Do Finish

And with this new inner peace, I have found a bit of sleep. A tiny bite of respite.

This post is a bit of a nonsense post...

but hey...

Write ya later,

m

Mom Boobs..........

 For Fuck's Sake....

Seriously,

Remember when time took forever? You know...You are in middle school and summer can't get there soon enough. Christmas took forever to arrive.  Getting a driver's license seemed like it would never happen....

and getting old???.....

You would NEVER EVER EVER be 30, let alone 40, 50, or 60.

I remember walking into the living room, at about age 15, and announcing to my mom......

"My boobs are too high!...I hate it, Why can't they look like normal boobs?" 

(Normal boobs being Farrah Fawcett boobs, or any of the other young women I saw on the beach...but mostly Farrah Fawcett)

My mom took a sip of her Vodka, which was neatly disguised in a coffee cup, and said, "oh?...Well you just wait .... you wait until you are my age and you will be paying money to have them put back up under your neck....just wait"

I announced......

I'm never gonna be your age and if I am, I won't care about my boobs.

Guess what?????

I'm her age now and much to my dismay and chagrin...

my boobs are right where she said they would be.  All those times watching my mom get dressed in her fancy outfits, bending from the waist to adjust her mom boobs into her bra then adjust it again so that it sits nicely under her clothes....that's me...

same....

Mom boobs.

here's is an awesome video of a young mom and her fabulous mom boobs....

bless her heart 

@jessmariee7  Tiktok

sound on....

I adore her

that lil wiggle and laugh....

Well,

mom boobs....

hopefully they are hip amongst my age group....

but.

neither here nor there

we got em

xo 

write ya later

m