Can you even

 Been writing nothing in this here blog for what?

...20+ years???

Crazy, how have I aged so quickly. 

Can't possibly be. ... 

it just can't be....

but it sure as shit is.

My body has changed

 yet, still remains semi strong, 

but it seems to enjoy making me question mornings 

or in the least,....

the first few steps of the morning. 

Anxiety has come and gone through out the years. 

Mostly in the lost years where I question value, beauty, needs and regrets.

Have I done enough?

Have I given enough?

 Have I loved enough?

 I can say with high probability a big fat NO to most of those.  I could have always done more. At this point I wonder if it's not too late to start a second career? To learn  a few new things. I believe it can be done, and probably with quite a bit of enjoyment.

Just gotta find the sweet spot of time. 

That's damn near impossible.

Like this but older, but definitely with that butt

I have a pair of roller-skates that haunt me 

I thought for sure I was going to be a disco skate queen at 50.

Here I sit at almost 55 and those awesome purple skates still look brand new.

I want to skate, but I'm scared I'll get hurt.

that's dumb.

I could have given more.

given more of me, my time, my patience all kinds of stuff....

Yet I hoarded it all for "when I get older"

well, hello Older and I now feel bad I didn't give more.

I still have time, Right?

I could have loved more....

I know that for sure.

I am the ice queen when it comes to love.

I love hard and fast, but I can also turn it off like a switch.

That is an extremely poor quality.

I'm learning

I am.

Writing has fallen by the side.

I hope to find it again....

by just writing thoughts and feelings.

by not writing to an expectation , but to write to express and maybe learn.

again.

One baby step at a time

learn.

it's not too late

xo,

M

Time Flys or Flies or Whatever

 Thursday Night....

I used to always write on Thursday nights, it was a thing.

Now I'm just a bit too lazy to have a regular thing. 

So now the thing is once a year or so. 

Time flys...or is it flies...whatever, it moves quite fast once you are past the age of 50.

I'm not sure I was prepared for how fast or the issues which come with it...there is n ow no extra time, NONE...

It's funny, because at work the other day one of the younger nurses commented on how busy I am all the time during the summer. I looked his 30 year old self right in the eye and said,

"I have maybe 15 more summers left and some of them I may not even be healthy enough to do exciting things, so while I am able to wear the bikini, ride a bike and travel ( not all at the same time) I am going to make the most of it"

He said , " that's a little dramatic isn't it?" ....

Uhmmmmm, no. No, it is not.

Think about it....

as of right this minute on the couch, I can think back 3 summers very clearly and the things I did.

Those summers are gone.

3 years...3 summers...

So with that math I have about 12 left....

I have at least 2 more summers planned out 

Puts me down to 10 summers.

10 years seems like a long time but yet is passes so quickly when you are just working and thinking about what you are going to do when you grow up.

It passes quickly when you are caring for teens and young adults and working full-time.

it goes by fast

super fast.

it's like when you tell your partner

"I'm too tired, let's revisit this tomorrow"

and before you know it you haven't even kissed in 4 years.

It goes by fast .

So now, my Thursdays have turned into once every 6 months while I plan what I should be doing to make my life a more exciting place to spend my adult years.

xo,

write ya later,

m

Mother's Day Dearest

 

It's a different day and age,

Yes I know this, I'm not an idiot, and I do pay attention, but one thing that I keep seeing as a reoccurring theme in the new generations? 

How their mom destroyed them. 

Every little microbe of them. 

No credit for design and implementation, just the destroying.

My mom was a different breed.  Did I hate her at times?

Of course, I was a teenager once too.

But never in my years did I blame anything within my life, short of high cholesterol, my mom's fault.

the list of unacceptable Mom behaviors:

alcoholic, smoker, multiple husbands, partier, dancer ( what we would call exotic now), uneducated in a sense, and fighter.

That was my mom.

She also was:

Funny as fuck, hard worker, willing to try anything, dancer, common sense filled, great friend to many, care taker, housewife, and a mom that was there every day. 

So I sit and reflect on my accomplishments and my failures, my vices and psychosis.

They are all mine and my individual choices.  I never really smoked. I can thank  her for that.

Do I drink...yup....but that is all me.  Do I make mistakes with my kids?

Hell yeah, but that is me too.  

My mom was the best advice giver and if I didn't listen, that was on me. I never, and still don't, blame her for my life. I actually give her credit for much of it.  Could she have been better and done better?

Who knows? I don't care.  I miss her. I made it to adulthood.

On this Mother's Day maybe we should give a little honest thought to her. She did not cause your distress. We all make our own decisions and are often aware of the consequences of a choice long before we commit to it.  So, maybe we should start putting blame where it is deserved. Poor decision making.

**don't get me wrong

I know many bad things happen to young young children which is out of their realm of ability to change the situation as it happens.  What maybe we can change is how we move forward in our lives as older teens and adults.

It is nice to have someone to blame for life's shortfalls

but instead, think about how you can move around it.

You can always pick a new "family" 

let go of old habits and stressors, even if it involves current family.

Be strong in your decisions and attitudes and stop blaming and start changing the outcomes one step at a time.

I have met many moms who get blamed, and I will bet they were doing their absolute best with the information and skills they had at the time.

remember, we didn't have accessible mental health care like this generation does.

We/They did what they could.

Let's Celebrate the Effort of Mom.

and maybe do a little forgiveness on this day.

xo,

m

It's Ok to be Lonely. right?

Here it is 

I'm lonely. 

 I have the most amazing friends.  

Friends from years gone by, from now, from short spurts of travel....but I'm lonely.

I don't have THAT friend anymore.  

The friend that shows up with beer in their Pjs

The friend who meets you after work

the friend that says, "I'm in!"

i don't have it 

Being older makes it harder to make new friends or be part of a friend group. Most women have their friend group and aren't super open to new besties. It's a thing.

I've heard from people among posts and passing by things, people I know say about me " she is the most unexpected friend you can have in your circle....she will sit and hold your hand when needed. shes the one you want in time of need.  ( the reference was on a death situation)"

i think this is true

but would anyone hold my hand ?

who's gonna pluck my chin hairs and  sneak me cocktails ? WHO?

Tell me.  

tell me 

xo, 

m

a few weeks ago

 a few weeks ago I was really struggling, really struggling.

I had a day at work where I was called to HR for a good reprimanding.  It's not uncommon for me to get called into the office for speaking my mind.  I am a charge nurse...and if you aren't familiar it is a low paid leader.  A leader of the people(nurses etc) who save your life , I make the schedule and do everything no one higher up wants to do...with no extra pay.  If you are a nurse long enough in an area it is inevitable that you will be moved into a charge position.  Something that I have avoided up until late.  I am a leader by nature, but I am not a role model.  I can educate people and preceptor, but I am not an ass kisser and never will be. I am unable to follow rules consistently, especially if I think they are asinine.  I am able to follow policy, but not made up rules by people who have no idea what the hell is going on in the real world.  And if you do not understand that last statement, then really think about some of the shit they come up with at work that is not policy....ie: only 1 ream of paper at the desk, no drinks etc at the computer, no listening to headphones ( even if you work independently on a computer in the basement).  I just can't buy in.  Policy yes, rules no.  

Besides this, I had been called to the office, once again, for a snarky attitude and standing up to a new Doctor who came into our operating room and wanted to change the way we do things for his benefit and I called him out on it.  But honestly, this is not the issue.  I knew I would get called in.  Nurse vs Doctor....never going to win unless it is a critical situation and 98% the nurse has better skill than the education of the Dr.   But this wasn't the case that day. I said what I said and stood by it, not backing down and 3 days later got a call to the pretend HR department.   **** HR:  the lady who does payroll is also HR, she hates everyone and you cannot go to her for anything because she is part of everything.  It is so biased that I'm not even sure how they can even legally call it HR.

I took my lashes and left. grumbling under my breath , wondering why I stay, why I put up with a place that does not appreciate my work ethic, skill, humor, and even snark.  But the big part came as I drove home.

I had no one to call.  My rock, Sissy, is gone.  She was the one I spoke to every single day on my 45 minute drive home.   A check in call, a "hey, whatcha doin?" call.   But, she is gone.  then I realized I have no one,  Not a single person I would call to tell my shit to.  Not my friends , not my other half, no one.  She was my burden carrier. 

As I thought about this.....

 my heart sank dark.  I have always been a person to have many friends.  And I do.  So many, but not a single person I would tell my heart ache to. Zero.  I drove home weeping and snortling with self pity.  I have felt this before but this came over me like a heavy weighted blanket.  

Why am I here?

Why do I go to a job that hates me?

why do I continue to move forward?  what.  ??  to make some money, pay bills and encourage others to be happy?   all while I want to die?

I was so heavy with burden I went home and thought that my life , as valuable as I know it is, because it is LIFE.....life  , at that moment, carried no value to me at all. 

I picked up the phone and put it down, I started to text a few people, but erased it .  I cried, I thought about life in the future with out my sis. without a person to talk to, without that friend , or really any friend who knows everything about me .  I thought about death. 

i thought about death

How I know I need help with the burdens I carry.  It has become too heavy for me.  

How I wanted someone right then to not say a word but encase me in their arms and say, "You are strong, I am here" yes

that is what i need, needed   safety

I got through it.  I sat and thought about the people I love and my kids.   It was strong enough this time to keep me safe.

I didn't have a plan, but I did have a vision of what it would be like to not carry the pain.

i made a note to myself

"please get help"    

xo,

m