Transition in Body Starts Now

there is nothing funny about any of this post

except that sometimes all you can do is laugh...

 Menopause.  it's flipping awesome.   No joke.  

I've gained 21 pounds on a 5' frame.  with no changes to my diet etc.  It's horrifying and making me hate myself once again.

I can't run distance right now, but I am still going to the gym and doing my best.  My best is NOT good enough...it's not.

I said to myself last week that after my Dr. appointment I would work from there. She put me on a low dose hormone therapy of estrogen and progesterone and after 3 months we can talk about testosterone if needed.  These are things, that if you are not going through it, you can never ever understand.  It is very similar to childbirth ...

Nothing you hear or read can get you ready or prepare you for it. 

I'm holding myself accountable because I truly hate the way I look right now, which is 100% effecting my sex life.  I'm worried for what he will think when he looks at me.  My clothes do not fit and I feel yuk in my own skin. This is not like me because for so many years, I, regardless of everything else, felt good about me and my body.  I had someone who told me I was beautiful and to me, it made me feel beautiful.

As of now, I have cut down my drinking to 3 drinks about a week, contrary to TikTok the weight has not disappeared from hidden calories.:))

  I cannot run right now because of the plantar fasciitis.  But I still am going to the gym 5-6 times a week and doing different classes.  I am monitoring my intake.  I do realize it won't be easy but I'm giving myself 4 months to turn this boat into there right direction.  

I am thankful for a few things :

I'm still alive

He tells me I'm more beautiful than ever and he does not see what I see

I have a Dr who listened and is helping.

I am fairly healthy

it's embarrassing but here we go

xo 

m

Hookers and Yahoo

I had just had my baby 

Isn't that always the way?

Uncomfortable for over 9 months.

Insecure and tired.

fat and alone

I knew it wasn't the first

second, or third time, 

but it was the time I actually saw proof.

Left open on the shared computer, the emails.

setting up times.

My heart broke and it was the last time I ever trusted him.

ever.

I printed the emails and saved them.

I confronted and showed them

gaslighting....

"you are crazy. I was just looking. I would never do anything. you are so paranoid...."

and the best, 

"you made me do this, because of your insecurities....I'm never good enough"

I turned a blind eye after that.  I was told I was unattractive. I was called a nag. I was left to fend for myself, instead of being together ,we were now apart.

Very apart.

I had to get tested. I had to not ask questions so that I was not told I was a crazy person. My heart and mind KNEW there were more than 2 times.  I knew it but could do nothing....

except wonder why I was never enough for him.

Now I know....

it wasn't me,

but it scarred me nonetheless

years and years 

until I realized 

it really

wasn't me.

The secret life I lived.

xo,

m

Off My Chest ...Bag of Dicks

I have been holding this in along with a few other things for about 4 years now. And that is way too long to have these feelings of animosity; it has really become something that I am ready to let go of. They do not deserve my energy, but everyone heals at their own pace.

The ex: 
Fucking abusive narcissistic dick of a person. I would like to think that he was not always that way, but in hindsight I always knew he was, from the first altercation, to his dealings with his previous ex and child. I should have known, but I was blind to that at the time. 
It happens to the best of us. 
 His attitude towards change, life, and people that didn't suit him was abominable and I really should have seen it. The fact I stayed as long as I did is insane, but abuse is like that. Gaslighting, lying, and then me ignoring it all for 15 years says a lot about me too. Jesus, I hope I have learned and acknowledge why he was put into my life. I am still embarrassed to admit I allowed myself to put up with prostitutes, lies, treating my children as he did, treating our friends the way he did (then blaming them), treating his family the way he did (then telling me they were all assholes and for me to never associate with them) and the cutting off of his entire social circle.  One can only chart that up to mental health for so long. When a person is unwilling to get help and blames everyone else....that's abuse.  Now we live with the fact that he cut off his daughter at 15 years old. How does a mom explain this? People say , "Oh she will figure it out." Well, yes she will, and she did, but the better thing should have been that she NEVER had gone through this. For an adult, the Father, to say, "She should be making more of an attempt to talk to me, she should be apologizing to me." That is absolutely ridiculous. YOU ARE THE ADULT. THE PARENT.  He gets what he deserves. He has missed his beautiful daughter's life so that he could trty to punish me. That is a piece of shit.

 I'm ok saying that now.

 He turned me into a person I never wanted to be. 

A person who no longer trusted, and who questioned love and life, who ended up having to lie to protect myself and daughter and to make our lives better and safe.  Among the things he did to us, the mental abuse was only part.  I learned a lot and am thankful for the people who stayed in my life during and post all of this malarkey.  If he can cut people from his life as he does/did....he gets what he asked for.  I will always feel bad for his family, father ( who he is exactly like), and friends who he hurt as he did.  They will never know the entire story. He can say and do anything he wants about us now and I could care less.  People who know him know and people who know us know too.  And lord help whoever comes into his life and buys his bullshit. Because it will happen to them too, eventually.

The Friends:
The friends. The friends I thought I had and thought I knew. Fuck all of those people, and why did I even let it bother me. It did bother me. It bothered me that I thought they were friends and I had confided in them and that was the first mistake. I had thoughts in the beginning that these people were not my people, I should have stayed at a distance at that point.
 The woman/girls were not who I would have associated with. The men were not either. But at the time, it worked for me. I felt accepted by the guys, never by the women. Cliquey and pretentious they were, but I still tried. Later to find out, they never gave 2 shits about me. 
My mistake. 
That won't happen again.

 Never did they offer and condolences or check-ins on me. That's fine, as I've moved on, I now know they are where they are to be and so am I, with my family. One thing I won't tolerate now is to be associated with them as happened the other day. Some said to me, " I don't associate or trust anyone who is friends with _______." Before I could say, "wait a minute, that is not me....I am NOT friends with those people " I was sent on my way.  

hello?  

not me.
Myssi, there is your full sign and proof that they were never your friends and on top of that are most likely not the " righteous people" they think they are.
I am thankful for MY friends who stuck by and continue to be in my life. The people I love and enjoy and we laugh and check in on each other, without judgement. Those are good people.
Those are people of good nature.
Too much energy was really wasted the last 4 years, 
too many tears.
I've watched my daughter grow into a person who is pretty strong, yet has started out her adulthood with hatred, mistrust and also left empty and void of the love she needed as a young girl.
Thankful for the man who is in our life who shows her the most love and acceptance she has yet to experience and I hope that helps her and I hope she sees that not all men are bad.

I hope it helps her to see me, her mom, able to love someone without fear or suspicion.  To be able to have friends of any gender over to the house and enjoy company. To not have to sneak out to see long time friends... now they can come to the house and knock on the door....and be welcomed in....with no fear.
The energy wasted I can never get back.
Starting over has been exhausting 
this year will be freeing 
no more wasted emotions on people who bring me no joy.
good riddance.

again for the people in the back

good riddance

may you reap what you sow

xo,

m

Weed for the Aged

 The other night I decided to do an edible...

you know, the Devil's lettuce...the weed, ....the mary jo wanna.

Granted, I wasn't going to sit down and do a round of good ol bong hits or a loaded Swisher Sweet... I was just gonna have an edible. To be exact, a half of the smallest little blackberry fruit flavored gummi. I believe it was a Sativa , which was what came highly recommended from the 19 year old hippy/jugalo ( I couldn't quite make the distinction) behind the fully packed glass counter.  I told him I needed to sleep, to settle my brain a bit....I don't want to be up at 4 am looking for savory/sweet treats in the back of the cupboard. I just want to sleep. That is all. 

He said, "No Problem....You see, we have the kind that will give ya some energy for like...let's say cleaning the house or, like, some people go for a good run. Then we have the kind that will calm ya down...make ya feel relaxed."

"Ok, I'll take that"

"Great", he says. "What flavor and dosage? Is this your first time?" 

 I started to laugh and then stifled and small coughed instead. I wanted to blurt out "for fuck's sake it's not my first time. I grew up in the 80's. My generation made acid and mushrooms a weekly thing.  I spent half my high school years trolloping around the panhandle of Florida's cow fields picking psychedelic mushrooms out of cow patties, packing them in honey and selling them all over the tristate area...."

"No, but to not sound like an old person I haven't really done this new pot. My friend said they had a candy bar and ended up on the living room floor unable to reach the phone to call 911, which in hindsight she decided was a good thing, but her rendition of a fun Saturday night dinner with 4 friends is one I would rather not do....I just would like to sleep a bit "

with that I know I officially sounded OLD

He laughed and said " I gotcha, M'am", (which slightly burned my biscuits, but because he was honestly trying to be respectful I let it slide).  He reached into the glass counter a few inches down and all the way to the front and pulled out a little cup of blackberry edibles. He kindly showed me the name brand and the THC amount vs CBD : 10 MG THC per edible.

" I think, for you, because you want to start slow, this should be perfect....Now remember , just because you don't feel anything don't eat another unless you want to end up like your friend...just have a half ,or even half of a half, and give it time.  It should relax you and most people say they get a good night's sleep".

SOLD!

Took my little stapled bag and off I went.

Evening arrived and I prepared for my sleepy time edible.  As I tucked myself into bed I bit the ungodly sweet, sugar coated, slightly weed taste-smelling gummi into my mouth followed by a magnesium and a melatonin...swished down with my last sip of IPA. It was a Saturday after all.  As I waited for sleep to come I panicked thinking, "Have I just overdosed myself on 5mg weed and a 5 mg melatonin plus beer?" Oh jesus , oh lord....at least I didn't take a Benadryl too....I'll be ok, if not, i guess I'll get some sleep in the long run, right?

Fell asleep pretty quickly, which really isn't the problem.  The problem is staying asleep and quality, so that was yet to be determined. 

I remember having some pretty wild dreams. Was it the weed or the melatonin? I definitely slept hard. I woke midnight, as usual, to go to the bathroom. I was slightly groggy as I sat upright, not really paying much attention to anything except meandering to the bathroom. As I stood I realized my legs were heavier than usual, but assumed it was from my workout that day. When I went to sit down on the toilet is when it hit me.

I'm stoned.

hahahaha 

who made this toilet so short?

why does it feel weird in this bathroom?

do I need a snack?

No, I need to go back to bed and quit messing around before I trip on the uneven floors and break a hip. I wandered back to bed and giggled as I pulled the comforter over my head. Maybe I should have taken it a bit BEFORE I went to bed, not as I hit the pillow. 

My overall review of the experience still makes me giggle. It did work, although I didn't sleep 8 hours I did get a good 5 hours or so.  My biggest fear was if I attempted this on a weeknight, would I still be high for work? who knows ....

But what I do know...

I'm not to that point, nor will I be joining Snoop and Willie for 420 in Amsterdam any time soon, unfortunately.

emergency use only for me.

xo,

m

Can you even

 Been writing nothing in this here blog for what?

...20+ years???

Crazy, how have I aged so quickly. 

Can't possibly be. ... 

it just can't be....

but it sure as shit is.

My body has changed

 yet, still remains semi strong, 

but it seems to enjoy making me question mornings 

or in the least,....

the first few steps of the morning. 

Anxiety has come and gone through out the years. 

Mostly in the lost years where I question value, beauty, needs and regrets.

Have I done enough?

Have I given enough?

 Have I loved enough?

 I can say with high probability a big fat NO to most of those.  I could have always done more. At this point I wonder if it's not too late to start a second career? To learn  a few new things. I believe it can be done, and probably with quite a bit of enjoyment.

Just gotta find the sweet spot of time. 

That's damn near impossible.

Like this but older, but definitely with that butt

I have a pair of roller-skates that haunt me 

I thought for sure I was going to be a disco skate queen at 50.

Here I sit at almost 55 and those awesome purple skates still look brand new.

I want to skate, but I'm scared I'll get hurt.

that's dumb.

I could have given more.

given more of me, my time, my patience all kinds of stuff....

Yet I hoarded it all for "when I get older"

well, hello Older and I now feel bad I didn't give more.

I still have time, Right?

I could have loved more....

I know that for sure.

I am the ice queen when it comes to love.

I love hard and fast, but I can also turn it off like a switch.

That is an extremely poor quality.

I'm learning

I am.

Writing has fallen by the side.

I hope to find it again....

by just writing thoughts and feelings.

by not writing to an expectation , but to write to express and maybe learn.

again.

One baby step at a time

learn.

it's not too late

xo,

M