RX: Watch Chickens and Sit

 

Per my therapist, 

I am to make less lists and do a bit more relaxing, chicken watching and stretching. To the average person this would be an easy task, but to me ..... it is close to despairingly impossible. It allows me much,

too much, time to think about life. This opens another door. Why am i not wanting to think about life? 
What the hell is wrong with me that I cannot let go, relax and contemplate the beauty of being above ground and all the great things I have experienced and have yet to experience? 
Why does my mind want to dwell in the past and torture me with the thoughts of the things I could have done differently?  
Could I have saved them?  
Could I have saved Sissy? 
Would she still be here to help me navigate these crazy days my mind has been happening?   
Therapist says no.  
What happened happened and it wasn't because of me ( which I know) and I could not have changed the path she had chosen........
It is time to move forward and stop thinking about could have beens and start thinking about what can be, and enjoy it a little bit.

On that note...

Why do many men over the age of 50 pick women half their age +7 years, give or take?

This came up on my news today.  What is the science behind it? There must be a study?

My homework for the week will be to see if there is actually a study.

It will keep me from making a lists.

I am grateful for the new amazing job that I landed.  I really do believe things happen when they are supposed to and this new nursing job has been a career saver for me.  To be able to care for people, in their homes, without being micro managed, having a great team, and the care I'm giving is not "critical" home care.  Home infusion for chronically ill, administering medications like IgG for chron's and ulcerative colitis , and biologics for people with MS and scleroderma.

The people are thankful, I am thankful and the schedule is great.

well I am going to go do a bit of sewing and THINK about going to Yoga .

write ya later

m

Wash That Job Right Outta Yo Hair

amazing how this works

I woke up this morning and was rested.
My motivation has re-entered the room.
My sense of calm has shown it's face again.
Amazing what happens when you quit a toxic job and all the toxic people.
It felt great to delete them from my life, my social media and my cortisol level.
I'm not sure if all of this was brought on by my own brain or if things really turned for the worse and I just lost my sense of reality within the work space.
It does not matter one bit now!

Don't think I didn't cry or think " Am I making a mistake?"

What if, what if , what if.

Don't think I didn't question all the people I confided in at work.

How could they be so back-stabbingly cruel?

not just to me, but to many.

The Passive Aggressive Buddhist is the one that really got me.

I shouldn't admit it , but I did think about ways I could bring that person down at work...

But I knew it would not make me feel better in the long run.

But I still hope that the Karma Goddess gets them in some way.

Although from the person's history....Karma is constantly getting them, but they are too stupid to see.

That brings me some joy.

I did lose a few people who I really thought were my friends.

That is what I get for thinking and you would think I had learned this from divorce, but apparently i'm a bit of sympathetic person.

(Ie : idiot)

I laughed silently this morning as I walked through the grocery store; smiling at people and feeling....normal. 
I didn't think, " man, if I just drive into a tree I won't have to go to work tomorrow and see those people."
You know what else I learned?
That is not a normal thought process.
I believed all people thought about hurting themselves so that they didn't have to go to work.
My therapist informed me otherwise. 
so that's good.
I have started listening to this audible called 
Just Let Them Theory 

Pretty good info.  

With all of this said my new job training begins on the 13th.  

As I reflected back on my last position I now know what I want, and don't want, from a job situation.  

I've learned :

To stay private.  

To not do more than your job description states, unless paid.

To always remember it is a business and they don't care about you, per se.

That I can leave when it is not filling my needs.

I don't need to have guilt about anything job related.

And my opinions are best kept silent unless it is part of my job description, which it is not.

All of this new found information is going to bring my sense of self respect back, my cortisol level to normal, and my loving heart back from the depths of the hateful....

hopefully.

I'm taking quite the pay cut, 

so I better get something out of it 

Hopefully all of this will slowly sink in and I will be able to do some change for the better also.

I'm sure I could use it, too

write ya later,

m

Break upon Pressure

 Beautiful Life

All belts should break upon pressure.

Because sometimes thinking smart is not in the picture.

I'm angry because this has become a thought pattern, although I was told.

If not the proper help, they succeed eventually.

This belt broke.

I'm here, but no one asks if I am ok.  

I don't use belts so that is not an option, 

Nor would it ever be.

My insides scream for a situation I have no ability to fix.

I am the parent 

So I continue to ask the Universe, and the Earth we are on,

Give him some light 

And make the belts break

Every time he thinks they are an option.

Where are my people when I need to talk?  I don't ever want to burden anyone because I am put on this planet to help others....not to burden.  The failure I feel is so immense it is almost overwhelming.  Like a heavy blanket.  I am here.  Working, parenting, loving, leading and caring every day...but it is difficult.  Difficult to sometimes find the happiness I need to help others.  The person who used to ask me every day, "how was your day?" is no longer and there is no-one who has stepped up to take that place.  This is a hard hurtful spot inside me. I'll be ok.  I know it. My weakness are these kids and walking looking backwards is not helping to build the strength I need to move ahead.

write ya later,

m

Seems Irrelevant Now

 

Lucked out...

Boobs are just fine as of Friday.  Still have to get a mammagram every year and a breast MRI every year , so that is a boob job every 6 months. To top that off it's not covered 100% by insurance.  I take that back.  If I could afford the insurance that takes 700$ out of my paycheck every time it is only a copay....but if I could afford that I would just save the money and not have to pay for insurance.  Catch -22, right?

Murphy's Law always prevails.  Boobs good, Lungs not....well not lungs but the right middle lobe has something that showed up. Could be nothing , could be everything.  I guess I will find out.  But in the inbetween, do I really want to go to gym or not drink a cocktail or two.  Should I have really worried about my belly fat and cellulite for the last year?  Maybe I should have had the ice cream. The thing with Boobs.......they can lop those bitches off, lungs...not so much.

as a nurse who worked in procedures and diagnostics I know that when  a person has been "cancer free" for 7-10 years then they start having respiratory issues it means it is not in your boobs, but has metastasized to lungs or bones or brain.  I've seen it many times.  Healthy...but not so much.

Well, this is giving me the power to get my business in order and make sure everyone knows where I need to be and the party that needs to be had IF that is the case.  I'm hoping and praying that it is just "inflammation or a blood clot" which it could very well be.  I have really only told 3 people , and I have to wait to see what the dr says, right???  Yes.... but like I said, I'm a nurse and know too much. I can read the MRI and the report.  

Other than that. Here we are. doing our goshdarn best.   I bought myself a new Kindle ( the cheap one) to treat myself for the boobs still surviving strong.   I need to outlive my ex, so that I can cash in on his benefits before he cashes in on mine .

Every Muse outlives her stay.

this too shall pass 

xo,

Victory to the great teacher,

m

                                                                           across the universe

Words are flowing out like endless rain into a paper cup

They slither wildly as they slip away across the universe

Pools of sorrow, waves of joy are drifting through my opened mind

Possessing and caressing me

Jai guru deva, om

Nothing's gonna change my world

Nothing's gonna change my world

Nothing's gonna change my world

Nothing's gonna change my world

Images of broken light which dance before me like a million eyes

They call me on and on across the universe

Thoughts meander like a restless wind inside a letterbox they

They tumble blindly as they make their way across the universe

Jai guru deva, om

Nothing's gonna change my world

Nothing's gonna change my world

Nothing's gonna change my world

Nothing's gonna change my world

Sounds of laughter shades of life are ringing

Through my open ears inciting and inviting me

Limitless undying love which shines around me like a million suns

It calls me on and on across the universe

Jai guru deva, om

Nothing's gonna change my world

Nothing's gonna change my world

Nothing's gonna change my world

Nothing's gonna change my world

Jai guru deva

Jai guru deva

Jai guru deva

Jai guru deva

Jai guru deva

Jai guru deva

life is funny

 life is really quite hysterical.  just going along and then Boom you have to take care of shit.

real shit, shit you don't want to do.

No one to really discuss it with so I just quietly schedule the appointments and wait for the next request.

The costs for these appointments are exorbitant.

Every time I go to the women's clinic it is considered a specialist.

Do men have to do this with their wieners( I before E, except after C)?

Every issue is a specialist?  I highly doubt it because they can talk to their male primary care and get everything taken care of from there.

For me, and I do realize I am not the only one, I have to go to a specialist for every damn body part.

Last month my foot, which wasn't covered, so I paid out of pocket cash for an appointment and an MRI.

Now, boobs....appointment and MRI (specialist)

Next request was uterus ( start with ultra sound and biopsy ) again a specialist.

Would it be cheaper to just get the boobs removed?

What makes boobs a specialty? 80$ every visit.  because it isnt primary care, but it is primary care. We are  required to have them and bottom halves checked every year.  Not my fault my PCP doesn't do that.

Pretty sure they can check a prostate at the PCP office and it isn't "special".

I jokingly said last month, " what I wouldn't do for a flat chest. 

Universe, this isn't what I meant.

As I plod quietly through these appointments, scheduling when I should be at work. I know it is what it is.

I just don't really care for it.

I accept it and my biggest request is that my feet get fixed so that I can begin living again, which would take a way some of the stress.

My other request is to feel whole again.

Which I think is a reasonable request and I think I can make it happen.

calm down

xo,

m