Artsy Crafty Stuff

Day after Mother's Day and I had the day off.

It's nice, and although I wanted to just lay around and contemplate life, I got my ass up and checked a few things off my list.

I did some crafty things...

finished up a few projects and tidied some stuff which had been bothering me, but seemed daunting to  start.

It really wasn't.  Honestly, I was just a bit lazy.

My sewing/ and knitting room had turned into a spider haven and dump area for the family.

So, I got in there, vacuumed and put the yarn into the little boxes where it should live, cleaned the tables of the 2" of dust and threw out a bunch of old fabric and garbage.  Still have stuff to chuck, but it is a start.

I figure if I am going to be here, I might as well make it what I want.

It definitely needs a revamp, but I enjoy the shabby chic coziness.

Once I was tidied I used up some old fabric and whipped a test run of a scrub hat for work.

They cost about 15$ so I figured I would make a few, save some cash and use up some fabric. 

It will work to get my lil bit of hair all covered for surgeries and have a little sassy flair too.

Then in order to stay on track I headed outside and worked in the yard.

I mulched everything.

...backyard...

it should look nice when the stuff starts popping up

and the front yard....everything is mulched.  I don't think I have ever finished mulching the entire yard in the same year.

I enjoy working in the yard.  It is just sometimes a bit overwhelming, but as I work on each little section each year it becomes easier and actually seems to take care of itself now.

I really just have to maintain stuff...pull some weeds and add some color.

I keep digging up the grass because I find it a nuisance.

That all took quite a while.

But when I was cleaning the sewing room I found my trusty glue gun and glue sticks and that was my reward.

When I went to Costa Rica last time I noticed they had all these sparkly mirror hanging things from the balconies.  I just loved them and asked about them.  They said it was to keep the monkeys from those areas, and that they made them ...you couldn't buy them.

So today, I sat down and made some for my back deck.

I love my back deck when everything is blooming. So the addition will be perfect.

to make the sparkly things you need 

1. fishing line

2. beads of any sort, but a couple of heavier ones to weigh the string down

3. glass squares (you can get them at any Michaels or such)

4. glue gun

I like them about 3 to 4 feet long. I make a loop at one end then I glue the fishing line in-between the 2 little glass squares.  As I go down the string I put a bead in-between the mirrors.  At the end I like to add a skull bead or a crystal bead to catch the sun.

Sparkly, cheap, easy.

Here I think you might be able to see them hanging behind the swing from the trumpet vine which hasn't bloomed yet.

So, my day was productive. I still need to run and clear my brain...

but, it feels good to get things done, throw things away and make my space relaxing and mine.

go make some sparkly things.

write ya later,

m

maybe Ill go make cupcakes, everyone loves cupcakes.

Don't be too sure of that....

To my past and present and future.....

Jesus and Mary Chain featuring Hope Sandoval (Mazzy Star)

I gave you all I had

I gave you good and bad

I gave but you just threw it back

I won't get on my knees

Don't make me do that please

I've been away but now I'm back

Don't be too sure of that

What makes you sure of that

You went away you can't come back

I walked away from you

I hurt you through and through

Aw honey give me one more chance

Aw you're a lucky son

Lucky son of a gun

You went away, you went away

You went away but now you're back

I got down on my knees

and then I begged you please....

I always knew you would take me back

write ya later,

m

Hate

i feel so fucking hateful right now.
To life
To you ....
To myself ....
for my friends ....
for my son ....
Just hateful ....



Just had to say that.
Now go be happy.... and know I have this angry hatehurt shit covered for all of us  


Ps....
Note to all.
Don’t say things to people you don’t mean ...
it’s hurtful in the long run....

A few examples :
You are beautiful ( when they can perfectly see via photos  they are not)
You are strong ( when you know they may not be  ok)
I will always be there ( when you are planning departure)

Be kind

Write ya later ....
You actually are amazing, and happiness is all yours...you so deserve it...to see you smile is worth a million days plus a few
xo,

M

sex and anxiety and the real fix

I spend so much of my life caring for others.   

Yes, it is part of my job... but it also is me.

I overthink , over love, over stress, and over care.

Lately, not sure if it is due to new work...

the classic Fear of Missing Out....

or the fact my lists are moving too fast and I'm not sure I'm ready for so much change....

I have been experiencing some anxiety.

This is not a new thing. It comes and goes and I keep pretty quiet about it.

Friends comment, "settle down, relax....get a massage" but I'm not sure they understand the underlying feeling of unrest.

Denver graffiti

This is how I feel on the inside

I have found a few things which I use to slow me down...

Run, knit, workout, or have sex.  

not in that order...just those are what seem to calm the beast.

Usually it is this:

knitting, which uses my brain to keep track of stitches stops the worry.

Running and/or working out is always good....

although, sometimes I don't feel like it....

which causes more stress.

then there is :

Sex, oh sweet sex,

As a caregiver and hugger of all, I cherish not just sex....but touch.

I need touch.

It soothes my soul and calms me.

A hand on my leg....it's so calming.

 it says, " I am here, with you...I am here.

I feel that this is where much of my angst has come from in the past few years.

I go months to years without any touch...

short of a hug from O, or a given hug to a friend.

I go months to usually years without sex...

short of myself ( but we won't count that).

It's the closeness I miss mostly....

Intimacy...

the heaviness of another person encompassing you and looking into your eyes.

It is a weird sense of calming for me.

Losing this in my life has been one of the hardest things for me to deal with.

People may ask, why is this an issue? 

my only answer is

"it just is...maybe punishment for a past life?"

it just is

The fear of never experiencing it again riddles me with anxiety...

The key is not to think...

not to fall in love...

keep to self and don't let that door open again.

because when that door opens, the receiving end is going to be bombarded with so much 

love, attention, touch, laughter and goodness that they need to be ready...

they will never have to look again...

putting the thought of growing old alone to rest...

but

right now, I just watch and tae care of self and friends...loving in the ways they need as friends.

I know I am perfectly capable of caring for and calming myself...

but closeness....

yes.

I need it.

my mind needs it...

Prioritizing me is something I am learning. 

I prioritize the care of everyone around me...

It makes up for the lack of other loss in my life.

But my list now includes me, 

and my needs, which seems selfish, but it is time.

New Job....what could possibly go wrong?

Week 2.5 at the new job and today was what I consider a cluster.

Not the happy kind of cluster,
 like a yummy cluster of grapes,
 more like a conspiracy of lemurs or a cluster of angry bees.

To say the least, it was not pretty.  Not pretty at all.

New job:

Circulating RN in surgery for eyeballs.

Yeah, you got it...who the hell decides they want to be a nurse for eyeball doctors?

Well, I'll tell you who....the person who thinks, "sure, why not...? It's always good to try something new, learn a little, make more money...how hard can it be?"

Yeah

how hard could it be....?

I'm gonna say it is about as hard as trying to get out of a too tight sports bra after a 5 mile hot and sweaty run....

very hard....not graceful and a bit comical.

Good thing my skin is thick and I can fret and freak yet know that I can say ,"fuck it"... I don't know what I am doing and they can suck it.... period

and no one died....it's eyeballs, not brains or hearts....

EYEBALLS.

oh and no one went blind.

Typical of any job, they apparently feel that 2 weeks training is sufficient. Which I think is probably a good standard for pulling weeds or cleaning cat boxes, but sterile field?  Sheesh, I can barely get my thong underwear on in the correct direction,

 so maintaining sterile field with 10 people counting on you needs more than 2 weeks. 

One surgeon said to me....

"you ARE a nurse...you must have learned this at one point."

Well, yeah....and you are a doctor, you must have learned how to slam an IV into a neck vein in a hurry at some point too, but I'm guessing if I asked you to do it now it would be difficult...

But after all you are a Doctor.

butthole

With that said,

I am basically on my own on Monday, with one week training in the Operating Room....but, don't fear, I'm not doing the surgeries....so that is a plus....

but I am mixing all the medications and making sure all runs smooth.

Lord, 

My hair is going to fall out 

but just as in everything else...

this shit isn't going to conquer my ass

What do they say now?

"Not today, Death"

I got this,

at least I think I do.

write ya later,

m 

That is if I'm not crying in the bathroom at work