Thursday, January 30, 2014

Disgust


miserable lives start within the heart.  It happens quite quickly, contrary to popular belief.  It can go from You are the most awesome greatest coolest smartest cutest I cant wait to be with you every minute of my life to, in one glance....disgust.
disgust.
You can't even find anything funny about that word.
the look shoots from the eyes in a blank, yet hateful, stare.  Amazing the eyes can tell so much.
Reminds me of dagger eyes my mom used to throw when I was young.
I have yet to perfect this glare, thank god.
I chose to never learn the glare....to change the pattern.

How hate can hold a person hostage for so long.  It eats them up inside.  Makes them grey in color....turns the hair grey.  turns the teeth grey....no light or shine emits from them any more when you look at them.  No longer can you look into their soul and see redeeming qualities....its just dark, cold, yuk....
They rot within.  Never wanting to change or attempt change.  No spark in the voice or beauty in the past, no glowing reviews for the talent they once had, and definitely no beautiful hope for the future.  Just rote, day by day.  Like clock work.   every day.
Tick Tock
Tick Tock

I wonder what it feels like, to dwell on the anger like this.  Does the brain just roll in and out of What ifs and Just waits?
To watch each season pass , each day with an angry word.  Hate...I hate this weather, I hate this place, I hate winter, I hate my job....I hate you....you disgust me.

~shivers~

It does not have to be that way.   your heart can change.   it has to have a want to change, so there may lie the problem.
Maybe you are a good person under neath it all.  You used to be.  Now no one wants to be near you...but you can change.  you can choose not to be grey.
You can break the grey, it wont be easy, but you can do it.
we can wait.   we have waited this long....
Letting go and seeing more than yourself...put yourself out there... change your day...
choose not to be an asshole.


write ya later,
m



Thursday, January 2, 2014

New Year's...It's resolution time....Just be awesome

Here we go.  
As I get older I start to set my goals more in the medium range, with a few fancy ones thrown in.  One of my friends has a great way of thinking of her new goals.  Make a goal...then add a bonus.  I like that.

1. girls weekend getaway.
2. travel...alone.
3. Motorcycle ride, camp, ride.
4.  read a book every other month
5. run a 10k ( my friend has run a 10k a month on her list....whaccco!)
6. Pottery class
7. Art class
8. Writing class (  scares me)
9. yoga my heart, mind, soul
10 get a passport   (seems silly huh?  it just is a lot of paperwork)

and remember...
write ya later,
m

Saturday, November 16, 2013

The Big Pleated Bag...handmande cuteness

howdy do...I decided to finish a task, you know, to make myself feel better about life and my ability to complete a few things.
It came out cute.  


Inside lining with pockets.



I'm my own worst critic...
so to me, it's not perfect, but if I saw someone else carrying it I would think, 
"wow, that is a cute bag....I bet I could make that".

You too can make it....
Dont say I never do anything for you.

Yeah for me, I finfished something.

Friday, November 15, 2013

OCD.... i have anxiety.

I'm having anxiety.
I wake up in a freaked out state.
I'm counting.
shit
It started when one of the girls at work said we should all go back to school.
Immediately I stressed.  We?  I started feeling that feeling of being behind.  I am behind.  I am behind in life, i am behind in everything.
Then the kids.
Am I reflecting my "behindness" on them?
Of course I am.
I am stressed they will fail....
Because I am failing.
Bigger stress...Not sure what I am failing.
SEEEEEE?


I paid the bills.
I vacuumed.
I worked out....then I realized I have not RUN
I have not run in a month?
What if I can't run anymore?
of course I can run...right?

knitting.  i cant knit because I can't finish anything.
Last night I cooked the worst dinner in my life.
I have anxiety.

fuck

later
m

Friday, October 11, 2013

Raising a Smart Teen is a Pain in the Ass

Raising a teen is weird.  
I'm not sure if we can really call it "raising"…it's more like push, shove, yell, cry, threaten and a shit ton of praying.
no kid comes with a guide book and honestly, teens are super scary bizarre.
This book would do my family no good.

Here are a few of the reasons:

1.  They have access to everything.  and I mean everything.  

When we were kids we had to use the Dewey Decimal System and if you were slightly lazy or dyslexic you gave up on finding out information first hand pretty quickly. Easiest ways were National Geographic and friend of a friend system.  You had to wait for a friend to fill you in from either their big sister's experience or their own personal…and sometimes even from a friend of a friend.  You remember. " My cousin's older sister's best friend, said if you smoke Virginia Slim Menthols they taste like candy"   
Now they just google it, or learn about it on Grand Theft Auto.

2. same genre. 

 I had to read every stinking one of Judy Blume's books to learn how to semi french kiss then when it was time I still did it wrong.  Same with my period.  If I didn't have Judy Blume I would have died in 7th grade not knowing if I would EVER get my period and why did all my friends get theirs first!?
now?  they just google it and half the girls are so GMO'd up they have boobies and start their periods in 4th grade.
Let's not even talk abut the porn factor and the search for Playboys in the woods. (and don't act like you don't know what I'm talking about)

3. Drugs they have now are bad ass.  

Sure we had coke, pills and acid…pot too.  We did our share and honestly Jungle Juice and Mad Dog were probably the most dangerous for our group.  Now I have to worry about Molly, Meth and her little sister Heroin.  It's one of my favorite thoughts.  My all ready slightly stupid teen decides to try out a lil toke on a meth pipe.  Guarantees basement living and no brain growth.   That's what we need.  Let's keep the Grand Theft Auto empire alive.  Whatever happened to just eating some shrooms, getting blasted and saying…."man I'm not doing that again….well at least not for a while!"       ?

Another thing is I now have access to everything.  I liked the days when my mom said, "Have a good day at school , Honey" and that was it.  She wouldn't have known if I was dead until the street lights came home and I wasn't there.  Now with all the electronics I can track my kids every move; and honestly….I don't want to.  Some things are better off not knowing.  My mom often had an idea, but hardly ever any hard evidence and that, my, friends is exactly what kept us friendly to each other.

I'm blessed with one of those kind, smart, artsy type teens.  He is sensitive, but his own person.  He thinks in his own way and I can no longer micro- manage that.  This is where the hardest part of parenting comes in.  Letting them learn their own lessons and make their own path, even if I see it may be a hard path.  No pushing or yelling will change that when they have their own brains.  
Sometimes my kid is right and I can't outwardly agree because I am the parent.  
 Like the other day when he says, "Why do I get a zero for not taking notes in class?  That is stupid.  I'm listening…. I don't like to write and listen at that the same time…I shouldn't get a zero for that, that is stupid"  
Yes, it is stupid.  It is stupid for an AP teacher to pass out Zeros to a kid who makes A's on the tests, but that is the rule and you have to follow rules.   That is the lesson.
"Yeah, well, whatever…I guess I'm going to fail then".

Smart kid.  Honors and AP and he may just fail, not because of tests, but because of marching to the beat of his own drummer with anarchy sticks in his hands.  Learn your own lessons kid.  I'm right there with you in my mind.

plus try your teen age years with no hair.

xo,
m