Sage That Shit

 Or at least Fabuloso it.

I woke up this morning and said,

 "up...get up. clean this house and life, sage that shit outta here. 

You have an amazing family that needs you,

Let's perk up and 

Live"

so....

up I am,

cleaning, jamming out to top 40, crying a bit and laughing a bit.

I sometimes laugh at the fact so many things have happened in the last year, yet things continue to move forward. As they should.

It's my absolute favorite time of year, 

Spring

new beginnings....

and I am going to cherish it

I comically started cleaning and as I cleaned I thought I should probably start thinking about making nice nice with some of the people who pushed me to the side during the divorce.

Last thing I want to do is continue to carry anger around

I texted a few of the people who really hurt my heart.

Pretty sure they have not been thinking much about me,

yet I still think about them.

stupid empath qualities.

We did get invited to our first party since the divorce by old friends

and then

one of the couple got Covid

I wondered if it was really covid or the fact I was invited....

but that is the exact negative nelly shit I'm trying to avoid.

I'm clearing my list day by day.

Might be easier to bomb the list but it's something I need to do.

As the house fills with the smell of Fabuloso

I am starting to feel better.

I wish I could hug and kiss a few people I really miss

I wish I could get in a car and drive away for a few hours and think

I wish I could travel a bit more (which I may make happen regardless)

I wish people would stop by a bit more 

and I hope this cleaning helps it all feel nice and new

new. 

that's where we are right now today

starting this little journey new

xo

write ya later 

m

and yes,

new days 

new experiences

new feelings and

it's going to be ok

more postitive vibes

m

Just breathe

I'll miss you

I mean I do miss you 

already

meet you on the other side

 

Yes, I understand that every life must end, aw-huh,

As we sit alone, I know someday we must go, aw-huh,

Oh I'm a lucky man, to count on both hands

The ones I love,

Some folks just have one,

Yeah, others, they've got none, huh-uh

Stay with me,

Let's just breathe.

Practiced are my sins,

Never gonna let me win, aw-huh,

Under everything, just another human being, aw-huh,

Yeah, I don't wanna hurt her, there's so much in this world

To make me believe.

Stay with me,

You're all I see.

Did I say that I need you?

Did I say that I want you?

Oh, if I didn't I'm a fool you see,

No one knows this more than me.

As I come clean.

I wonder everyday

As I look upon your face, aw-huh,

Everything you gave

And nothing you would take, aw huh

Nothing you would take

Everything you gave

Did I say that I need you?

Oh, did I say that I want you?

Or if I didn't I'm a fool you see,

No one knows this more than me.

As I come clean, ah

Nothing you would take,

Everything you gave.

Love you till I die,

Meet you on the other side.

xo

m

Have I become the Grim Reaper?...

 Or maybe that little cloud that follows people around?

days have been long,

and nights short

when one needs to sleep

an oddity for me,

I have been sleeping 

and

awaken only to want to sleep more

exhausted

Work has become respite

They said 3 days

panic

anger

sadness

Did you know?

Is that why you came

Is that why you sold everything and came

Then left when I questioned

your health

your sanity

your day to day life

?

we are on day 4

you said you will fight 

I cannot come

I will not burden your struggling brain

but you must try

Costa Rica 

We were looking at houses

the beach

you know

I am angry

when I said you need to go,

now

you should have gone

I should have made you

you are so stubborn

It would have given us 

4 extra weeks

I care for these people

I know

I know the outcome

You

know

the outcome

and here we are

30 years

my heart

our heart

xo

m

To the GYM!

Epiphany...

If you want to be more fit,

you actually have to do the work. 

seriously.

The way I think about it every year, 

is

if I start now, by June I'll be semi fit.

using the term semi, loosely

very very loosely.

53.

I like to be fit.

Not muscular 

Just fit

so that I feel better about my self and so that my underwear fits ok

Call me crazy,

But I hate when pictures are taken and my arms look a bit thick.

Or my legs a bit shapeless.

At this age, no one is looking but me at myself.

and that makes me laugh.

When I think about me I still think I'm 27

But then I look in the mirror and the classic thought...

How and when did I turn into my mom?

Not that my mom looked bad

I just thought I was 

ya know 27

not 53

I signed up for Chuze gym

got the whole shebang.

30.00 a month gives me access to everything,

even the pool.

Classes, weights, private training....

so really there will be hardly any excuse.

Today I went in and did an easy 

full body workout to start.

day 1 

complete

Anyone else getting ready for summer?

m

We All Need Gucci Therapy

Real life scenario

Nurse Julie, "Have you guys tried to get therapy through Employee Assistance Program"

Me,"Yeah, tried to get it for my kid...no one accepts it"

Nurse Sally,"no shit, and if they do? it's ghetto"

Me, "It's like the Cost Cutters of therapy"

extended pause.....

"I don't need Cost Cutter Therapy, I need some damn Gucci therapy....

I'm in a bad place and I can't even get on the waitlist for the runway"

That was the conversation at 5am at the nurse's station on a Wednesday morning. 

True story.

Julie, " what do you do when your family is sick?"

Me, " I want to kill them"

also me....

driving,

 on the way to work, 

crying,

 looking at the snow-covered front range, 

at all the beauty, 

and at the same time, thinking how much shit I have been through,

 and really....

how I just want to fall off the planet.

"I feel so much, yet so little...I cry a lot when I am alone and nothing brings me happiness anymore, not even beer"

"Girl, that is some real life compassion burn out"

Yeah, that is why I cannot use that cheap ass therapy.  

I need some real, 

top shelf, 

no fucking around therapy, 

Gucci Therapy

but,

there is none.

I have been reminded by friends and family many times in the last 2 years that I really need to partake in some sort of therapy.

The list is long, and I'm not even sure a therapist would know where to start....

I sure wouldn't know where to start talking.

Maybe cost cutters isn't so bad?

Maybe they are the gateway to the future of my relief. 

They don't get paid much, but they are trained for the basics.

But honestly, 

M needs some real talk therapy.

Real ability to go back to the start and figure out why I am such a stubborn, empathetic, tearful, soul.

Is there an answer within therapy?

anyone?

does anyone know the answer to this?

hmmm

damn Gucci Therapy

I need it

we all could use some Gucci mental health therapy

write ya later

m