A New Covid Countdown.

When you are alone you start doing weird stuff.

This is my little window I look out every morning before I go to work.

All the stuff people send and the things which are making me smile

Every day I add a bit more and let it remind me how many people have my back.

then I started thinking about my days....

I decided I needed to change something

I was counting down the days until I went home...

I decided this was more appropriate for the situation

How many days I  can go without a patient, in my care, dying.

I know that there isn't always much I can do....

but it makes me feel like I have done something.

One of the Litas sent these to me 

I adore them. 

I wish they were stickers

they are iron ons

These nurses were a little group who came to my room because they needed scrub caps, garbage bags, masks , ramen....etc.

They want everyone to know they are so very thankful to everyone who is so kindly sending stuff.

you should see their faces when I say its all free, but just take what you need so the others who are in need can cash in too

Us nurses hate ti have people do stuff for us.

they couldn't believe it.

Well today:

hospital good stats

1200 bed hospital (approx)

2 successful extubation (off the ventilators)

2 live patients happily discharged to home 

(so exciting that the hospital plays New York New York overhead in the entire hospital)

and wait for it....

No deaths of mine and none on our unit.

the other units not so good.

On the ride home I heard of at least 4 that shift.

but this was only one bus of nurses.

the discharge song...

feel free to clap, we do, every person in the hospital stops what they are doing and cheers when we hear this....

xo,

we can make it anywhere

write ya later, 

m

Everybody is a Nurse day #5 of the 21 day countdown

the first day....well...

it as a day...

a hell of a day

I guess we all know that you never quite understand something until you see it first hand or you experience it.

After 9 hours of bullshit orientation...standard nurse stuff such as paperwork , pictures, and HIPPA...we were taken to tour the floors.  

When we first arrived in NYC, they asked us our specialties. I had no reason to lie (although I heard that some people did so that they could get into different areas) so I just said PPU/post Cath, groin management, Telemetry and anything under...Because that is what I can do and sometimes , in my opinion....I'm not even that good at those.  

Upon being hired they were very clear we could end up on any department, any specialty, and we needed to verify that it was understood.  Well.... I understood,...What I didn't understand was the lack of resources, the real lack of any training, or help, and the severity of the illness.  

I want to say that these hospitals have great nurses and doctors, but you can only imagine coming to work day after day, your co-workers are falling ill, or not showing up and the new influx of Covid patients have literally taken over the hospital.

These hospitals are 100% Covid + patients.

I don't know where the normal sick/stroke/heart attack/ 

patients go now...but these hospitals we are sent to are 100% covid hospitals...

even Mom and baby floor.

We were all grouped together and the team lead looked around and said,"what do you do...?"

I said ,"Tele and PPU/groin management stuff"

she smiled and said 

"Great...ICU nurse....let's go"

and she took me to a wonderfully perfect older African American woman straight from Atlanta and dropped me in her lap.

"Show her the ropes, she's on her own tomorrow'

I had heard that this is what happens, but I just couldn't believe it.

The lady smiled and said "how are you with vents and Dialysis?"

The tears welled up, I kept it together and said...

"I have no idea, I have never done either, but I'll follow you and if you just explain stuff I may be of some help?"

"Well gown up little mamma and lets get to gettin"

In Covid rooms we must don and doff every single time you enter or exit and it is not only a pain in the ass it makes you so paranoid you can't think straight.

Is my gown on, oh shit is that a tear....I'm gonna get sick!

Every single time....

so if you get in the room and need a pen...you must follow the steps again....and you just can't rush it.

For 4 hours I did my best to watch her do dialysis (CRRT) run the ventilation, and make sure the medicines were all what he needed...she did all with a semi smile in her eyes and explained everything I asked....

she was so helpful...

I thanked her profusely as I left and thought....

there is no way I can do this   they cannot put me in there

I will kill a patient....

I cried all the way home...

called all my icu nurse people

I cried myself to sleep,

prayed I would not end up there again....

got up the next morning....

and guess where I ended up?

Not the beach...

the ICU....

this time on my own.

And here is what I learned from a most fabulous Hospitalist, Dr. Anderson,...

It's ok...

scenario:

Me sweating bullets trying to suction the covid outta this intubated patients nose and mouth....Yall have no idea how much I hate snot and phlegm....covid snot is yellow green, so thick it looks like bubble gum, and comes from their mouth and nose...even though there is a tube in there.

so thick you can hardly move it.

As I struggled the Dr looked over and asked how I was...I laughed like the joker....

she said"you an ICU nurse?" I said , "do I look like a damn ICU nurse??"

She smiled and said, "guess what?....Everyone is an ICU nurse now!  promotion"

Then this:

"no seriously, we are all so grateful you all came to help, every thing you do is going to help every person in this hospital.  you will not hurt this patient....actually nothing you could do either way could make this patient worse.  

You are amazing..."

***Nothing you can do can make this worse....this is the worst."***

Every person in this hospital is covid_19 +, even the babies.

I'm not sure what the exact % is that dies, but I believe it is most ,

its real

I'm tired

m

Day #1 officially done. HOPE ?

I got up at 545 as instructed and went downstairs ready to go, signed the roster and waited.

we were told to go back up stairs we were on call.

good.  

I sat for a bit then I walked around.

got a few pictures.....

then decided I better figure out my food situation 

the city is literally shut down and there is delivery but it is a bit spotty

So I attempted to make it to the Target downtown

It was quite surreal, walking down Broadway and everything is closed

quiet....

pigeons literally ruling the roosts

fighting for garbage crumbs...

Times Square....just not what I expected and not nearly as big with no people...

Beautiful buildings, and lots of stuff to see, I almost forgot I was in the 

Big Apple with all the scary crime and such

The phantom was closed

I stood right here on a the street and took a picture as I walked at lunchtime to 

Times Square...

No One

Social Distancing

The Copa...

Neil Simon.....

and then there was this

yeah.  seems a little ironic right now...

we are afraid of everyone.

and everything

I'm back in my room at 430

I have a sandwich and I'll save half for tomorrow.

I spent the entire 76$ for the day's food today getting some supplies, so I'm hoping to make it a few days.

The more I sit and think the more anxiety I have.

Katie texted from her shift and I commended her on having her first day off in 14 (tomorrow)

and how strong she is...

she is almost done with her 21 day countdown.

so it seems doable 

obviously it is doable

just need to get started so I can say

"The sooner we get started the sooner we can be done"

Write ya later,

m

Listen:

" didn't know a friend could be so small and have a heart as big as the moon" s. rowe

💜

NYC and The Beast. (covid)

Packed and ready is a term I will use very lightly. As I packed and repacked, I said silent thank you to all the people who love to jump to the rescue.

I am speaking of my online family …

When I put the word out of what I needed, they were ridiculously bountiful.

It made me cry and laugh and I had to turn some stuff down.

Giving when someone you actually know needs something is different than when you hand over something to the Red Cross ( but keep doing that too).

Handing over to someone close to you gives you a sense of being able to help without the risk…

And I like that.

I received the scrubs I so desperately needed in the correct color and size…I have over 7 sets so I can not have to worry about washing them every day.

In each little gift I seemed to receive little bottles of liquor, which made me laugh ( y’all know me so well).

I received a handmade travel cup with my name and the Wonder Woman symbol so that I can drink said little liquors.

People stepped up to bring me PPE and N95….

Lots of kudos and love…

And above all 

Good vibes….

Maybe that was some of the best.

I am by no means a hero…I am a nurse….

Lately I have been lost and looking for a reason to have faith and a reason for not really getting up in the morning, but to keep a spark in my heart.

A friend said , “you may like to do travel nursing”

But I’m not super hip on changing my job and being away from my safe spot.

Then Covid….

Then hours cut…

Then surgery center shut…

Then furloughed…

And there I am. Sitting, 

an essential employee in any other situation

And unable to help.

Then a friend called and said I took a job….

NYC Covid relief

BUT

"Its 21 days straight, you don’t know anything until that day….

Call this number at 1 pm and keep trying …they take 400 nurses so just keep calling.”

When I dialed I said , “if I get through….It is meant to be…If not…thank goodness”

I got through in the first hour….was hired on the spot and asked if I could leave in 2 days.

It was so fast I had no time to think…and said yes.

Finished the few menial questions, hung up, and then freaked out.

Early that week I has done an online Full Throttle yoga class and the discussion of hope was to have “faith in yourself.”

Faith…in myself?

What an interesting thought and one in which I just really have a hard time with.  I know I am strong and able, but when it comes to faith, it waivers.  

So, as I am sitting on a plane with 9 other passengers, flying to what we call ground zero, in the middle of a pandemic, I am asking myself to have faith….and also to please help me not touch my face.

21 days straight starting tomorrow.

I’m not sure Ive ever done any work for 21 days straight….shit I’ve never done anything for 21 days straight….

I guess I will see how deep my strength, faith, meditation, and kindness can run.

I’m not alone….

I know that….let’s just hope my ability to connect is on it’s game for the next few weeks .

leaving Denver

 8 people on my SW flight. 

 So wish this was a fun trip...

look at tiny Lady Liberty

Pretty darn cool!

Write ya later

M

quarantine day 6751 "what's in there?"

or, you know what ???

Pick a number because who the hell knows.

So, now the fun game has become

"Whatever shall we eat?"

In case you didn't know, 

there is a pandemic going on.

and the fridge basically looks like this:

Except add beer and old cheese....

The cupboard looks worse...

egg noodles, spices, vinegars and ramen....and a few cans of tomatoes

what does one make?

Every day it is a question of if we may starve to death 

(not really)

 but that is the game we play.

Tonight:

spaghetti sauce

sauté all appropriate left over veggies

garlic, onion, bell pepper, carrots (all chopped small)

cherry tomatoes (which I had thrown in the freezer for soup or this)

2 cans organic tom sauce

1 can diced toms

oregano

basil

red pepper flakes 

salt, pepper, dash of sugar ( I don't know...my mom always did that)

and simmer

I would normally run it through the blender but I'm quarantined away from house and there is no blender here.

I believe in a past life I was in the depression because I hate wasting food or throwing stuff away.

It gives me stress when people don't eat leftovers...

or constantly eat out and never cook.

I am deemed essential....I am a nurse,

BUT

I am not an ICU nurse so my essentialness is limited even in this time of need...

I am a critical care nurse who has chosen to work procedural, so funny enough,

my hours have been cut drastically.

Where we are in Colorado the pandemic is not as severe...

possibly temporary, but as for now,

being a procedural and surgery nurse has saved me.

We do take patients about 2x a week and they are from the outside, not from within the hospital,

which is even a bit more scary because we really have no idea if they are really healthy or sick when they walk through the doors.

Because of this I have chosen to stay away from my home because my ex has severe asthma 

and as much as I am not on good terms with him ,

we still reside in the same house ( yes it is stressful if you are wondering)

, and I would feel awful if he became ill because of me.

When I get to the house in which I stay

I strip down in the garage

have my clothes put directly into the washer on hot

and dash to the shower

shoes, badges etc get a wipe down

and remain in the garage.

then I hope I haven't spread anything anywhere.

It's similar to Russian roulette 

It's the new norm

slightly comical

and a bit like living on the edge

This pandemic got us all nuts.

I even put a soft boiled egg on the pasta.

crazy ....

I think 

Carole Fucking Baskin mademe do that

That Biaaaatch.

xo,

from quarantine hell

write ya later,

M