Hunk a Hunk of Burning Love

Burnin Up

It's happening....

I'm guessing this is the start of old age. Every day is like a damn science experience, and it's quite comical. I have always looked forward to aging, like a badge of honor. I guess, even with all my knowledge, I didn't realize it would come as a burning badge of fiery hot glory.

It's probable what I deserve.

I can officially say I'm Hotsy Totsy, for real.

Ya know, we don't talk about it very much and I do believe it's something that is hard to comprehend until you are experiencing it. All the years I shook my head at my mom, with her head in the freezer, or vacuuming like a mad woman in her bra and underwear...

I just never knew.

I apologize, Mom.

Yesterday, I noticed K in a sweatshirt and a hat, inside .

I rolled my eyes, really really rolled my eyes.

He was kind enough to not mention it,

or even say a word for that matter, 

but it was obvious that he was feeling as if he was camping in the frozen tundra with his full Patagonia gear in place.

I made a stealth trek over to my sacred wall art, 

aka "the thermostat"

and oopsie

62 inside.... and it was 32 outside

felt pretty good to me?

 I'm not a sadist, so I turned it up to 65.

I'm not only hot in my old age, but apparently getting soft too. 

A friend at work said, 

"why in the hell would they do this to us? 

Chin hairs, gaining weight, mood swings, hot-flashes,

 ....Christ, like getting old isn't hard enough?"

I looked her right in the eye and said,

"It's so we are no longer fuckable/mating material. 

It's time for us to become invisible Sages and let the young does take over" .

It is the most comical part of life as a woman. 

I am finally to a point where I have time, money and peace...

but with it came chin hair and 45 second.... 20 times a day, boiling points. 

I mean, maybe it's so when I arrive in hell I'll be fully prepared?

Whatever the case ...

I'm surviving

It's my bday weekend 

and I'm gonna be 

Hot as Hell

( all the way around)

v8grrl

write ya later,

m

Random Writings and Thoughts

My inspiration.

For running, not beard growth.

although at my age that beard may be possible.

 
December 
and I have been dreaming...
dreaming of running.
I'm running and 
I can breathe and 
I don't struggle and 
I remember what it is like ....
to feel...
 my strong legs again
my strong core 
the feeling of power in myself.

But ....it was just a dream. 

Two nights in a row I dreamt about it.

Two nights...

I decided to stop feeling sorry and at least try something. 
So, a measly mile, or so, a few times a week. 
Hey, it's better than nothing....
Although, my brain doesn't think it's better than nothing.

I laugh at the old pictures of me

me...

So strong in body, yet...

weak, so weak, in heart 

The stronger I became physically

the weaker I actually became in my ability to live my best life.

Now,

Happy and not as physically strong

but I have gained 

Me...

me

mine

My voice and true opinions

and it's ok.

The people I have surrounded myself with

love and I believe, 

respect me and my opinions.

Still forever thankful for the person who continued to tell me I was beautiful.

I was stronger than I knew

and for the people who stuck by me.

the ones I don't need to see every day

to know that they are there and 

I am here.

What a great life it is becoming

it really is.

now off for my run.

xo,

m

Send Friend Now

Spent some me time today.  

Made a commitment , again, to myself that I will take care of my mind, body and soul....

while I still can.

Went to the gym this morning at 545 am.  Goddamn I hate that place

I'm not sure how everyone feels so comfortable there.

I walk in, hope that the equipment I want to use is available and if it isn't....

I kind of walk around in circles waiting.

It's ridiculous.

Got it over with and got the heck out.

Decided it was such a beautiful day I would go for a bike ride because , honestly...how will I ever do a 100 mile gravel ride if I never ride my bike except for the day we go for the 100 mile ride.

I did a quick 8.12 miles. 

happy with that.

and am now treating myself with a beer while I contemplate life.

Here's what I am contemplating.

where does a grown ass adult find a new best friend?

You may think I'm being funny...

but I'm being serious.

After losing Sissy, I realized she has been my only girlfriend for years.

I have had some work friends and some so so friends 

but no one who can even remotely take the place of Sissy

I don't want a replacement, but  maybe it's not healthy to not have any friends

I take that back...

I have Scooter....

but he moved away.

It will be just fine.

I got things to do.

Life to live

I'm so inspired right now I am actually gonna shower and shave my armpits.

yup...

the song came up on my playlist today while I was riding.

it's old

but I like it

if you know of a new friend for me

let me know

thanks

m

 I'm walking in the shadows of my tempted soul

Time is ticking by

I'm chatting with this bottle of wine

I know that I'm not perfect

I'll admit that I'm a fool

Everytime I'm lost

I'm always finding my way back to you, the one

I need when I'm awake

Take me home

I wanna go

And I'm sorry, I can't love you

I'm sorry, I can't make you see who I am.

I can see what he was thinking

It's so easy if you try

Killing yourself with a silver dagger just to show how much you love

Is worth the pain

Then to hear her cry your name

Take me home (slow down my heart)

I wanna go (I'm breaking apart)

And I'm sorry, I can't love you

I'm sorry, I can't make you see who I am

And I can't go on, I can't live like this

And we can't get back the time we've wasted

No I can't go on, I can't live like this

Take me home (slow down my heart)

I wanna go (I'm breaking apart)

And I'm sorry, I can't love you

I'm sorry, I can't make you see who I am

It's not that bad...is it?

 It's Rough

It's never that bad.

It's never as bad as we initially think. Just are required to push through.  Last week I made a texting error that I imagine we have all made at some point.  I texted to a group text when I should have been texting a private friend. 

Yeah

it sucked, but not as bad as it could have.  I only stated that a person was clueless as to her new puppy. 

Said person immediately texted me privately and said to keep her business out of group text and she now knows where she stands with me.  

I totally got it.  It hurt her(duh). I apologized, I called, I explained, but honestly, that really wasn't enough and I understand that.  This person is young and still quite self centered and they didn't need me talking about their life.  

I was in the wrong.

 If I hadn't cared I wouldn't have even responded, but I do care about this person. I regret my actions but once trust is lost there is noisy way fix to that, so I need to focus my energy elsewhere.  The only thing I can do is stay out of the way and be careful not to express my feelings too loudly.

And that is it.

when you do wrong you can only apologize so many times then you have to move on.  

This is not the first time in my 50+ years I have made a mistake, or said some negative things, or even thrown a joke out with a bit too much sarcasm, and I'm sure it won't be the last. But I do try to be aware and I have been trying to be more sensitive.

My upbringing of being the youngest of 12 siblings conditioned me to be spicy.  Eight older brothers didn't leave me with room to be soft or unable to defend myself. When I think about what my problems are I often refer to what I learned last year.  I can't ask myself what is wrong with me ( I KNOW what is wrong) but the bigger picture is " What happened to me".  These things formed the me I am today. 

• youngest of a large family
• alcoholic parents
• father with Alzheimers 
• rape
• death of 2 brothers and father within a few years
• death of mother
• unfaithful partners
• divorce
• experiencing an OD of a child
• suicide attempt by child
• illness in family
• Covid
• PTSD
• untimely death of sissy

None of these are an excuse for my sometimes poor behaviors....but they are a reason for some, for the mistrust and negative attitude I sometimes carry with me, and definitely for my cynicism.  Every day I learn new things and try to make the effort to be and do better, but I'll be honest, sometimes I slip back to my protected self and throw the walls of mistrust and spice back up.  One would think that after 40 some years I would catch myself before it happened.

As I write this, my heart suffers to know that I am not a great person all the time. I'm guessing no one really is. I do know that I care. If I can I will sit by you and hold your hand in a crisis. I will sit at your deathbed if requested. I will be there in any way that I can if you ask....and I do not tend to hold a grudge. Life is too short for that.

I understand if you are busy, or if you have been busy for 7 years....I'll most likely still be here if you need me or want to talk. I'll pick up that conversation right where we left off.  I understand if you can't show up, even if you said you would be there....You know why?  Because life happens, family happens and usually that stuff is way more important than a meeting at the local bar.

Life happens.

So, It's not that bad, is it? Work is tough right now. Figuring out my place in an environment where I am slightly appreciated but not enough to monetarily compensate me. Realizing that maybe I can't always stay somewhere just because I like most of the people. I, too, need to live and pay my bills and move forward in a direction that fills my needs and not just continue doing something because it's there,  it's expected and it's easy. 

Also, when work becomes a bit too dramatic for me, I tend to move on. My free time is more important than bringing the dread of work home with me, or to even spend any of my private time thinking about work.

That's where I am right now.

A few good things

• friend is coming to visit
• off social media this month
• been reading
• painting
• working out
• job interviews
• re-eval after loss of sissy

It's time to re-evaluate this time period and make a new "list of to do's"

Write ya later,

m

Daydreamer

aurora

Daydreamer

Play "Daydreamer"  on Amazon Music Unlimited (ad)

White, silicon eyes, watching storms, sitting quiet

Reading books in the heat of city lights

Bored, everyone's bored

When I'm restless, put me under the night life stars

And I will feel grounded

 

I know I'm just a girl

But can I change lives?

If I am nothing, if I am trying, I think I can

I step on broken glass, and dream of soft clouds

When feelings are heavy they become all we are

 

And we become night time dreamers

And street walkers, small talkers

When we should be daydreamers

And moonwalkers and dream talkers

And we become night time dreamers

Street walkers, small talkers

When we should be daydreamers

And moonwalkers and dream talkers

In real life

 

The quiet lust belongs to all of us

And drives us closer into the madness

Of the world, of a gun

(And it suits me just fine)

'Cause everyone dies, and nobody loves

And somebody dies right now

I hear the quiet, sweet music that no one sings

 

And we become night time dreamers

Street walkers and small talkers

When we should be daydreamers

And moonwalkers and dream talkers

And we become night time dreamers

Street walkers, small talkers

When we should be daydreamers

And moonwalkers and dream talkers

In real life

 

All I ever know is what I dream about when I'm sober

Never turn away from love

Before the love you have is over

All I ever know is what I dream about when I'm sober

Never turn away from love

Before the love you have is over

Nothing can die while we are here

Nothing can die while we are here

Nothing can die while we are here

Nothing can die while we are here

 

Then we become night time dreamers

(Nothing can die while we are here)

Street walkers and small talkers

(Nothing can die while we are here)

When we should be daydreamers

(Nothing can die while we are here)

And moonwalkers and dream talkers

(Nothing can die while we are here)

And we become night time dreamers

(Nothing can die while we are here)

Street walkers, small talkers

(Nothing can die while we are here)

 

When we should be daydreamers

(Nothing can die while we are here)

When we should be daydreamers

(Nothing can die while, nothing can die)

Daydreamers

https://lyricstranslate.com/en/aurora-daydreamer-lyrics.html

I thought I was tough

 Come to find out ...

not so much.

as I lay here in my bed with Covid, 

sicker than I have been in years and years, 

I realized 

Sissy was my secret power.

She must have given me the idea that I could do anything.

We were planning on moving to Costa Rica

but

the more I think about it the more I think I was fucking nuts.

Maybe I had visions of grandeur?

I'm traveling there again this year and I'll sit and relax and think again.

I'll sprinkler her ashes and ask,

"is it supposed to be or no?"

and then I will decide.

In the past two years when the overseas travel was not a thing 

we did some traveling in our very own country.

Novel

Maybe my calling is mid Kansas?

Maybe Alabama?

Maybe Arkansas?

Not really sure.

As far as being sick right now.

This is day 4 and I am sick

first 2 days were non moving, sleeping all day with temps of 103+, aches, GI upset, sore throat

day 4 

I'm sitting up.

but still running low grade temps 

It's no joke 

This is my hot girl Summer with Olive so I have to get well

I have to be ready to paddle, ride, hike, eat and travel

so send good vibes

xo

m