scared.........shitless just make dinner

(personal)

Tell me........

 is this a sign.  is this what I need to hear

the few days we spend 24/7 you are .....

well....

Maybe you?

swat my hand 

"get out of here, myssi"

"Do what you do"

unfortunately ,I have no where real to go ....

maybe that is the catch....

as you just said.  maybe that is the way it needs to  be....

 "I do every thing for you...."

Is that to make me feel?.....

something

or to remember how it was....

you....

cunt....

bitch....

you...you........

(just look it up..... everyone knows)

do what you do....live your best life....

 get out...

plenty of people to pick up the pieces. 

Lined up

have you once thought....

yeah

if that was what I wanted I would.

"live your best life, myssi.... go on.....I'll just hang out here"

I'm not here to fix anybody....

I'm no longer here to have anyone fix me....

I am actually good...sad ,but ok

I AM strong

but that does not mean.........

nevermind....

Keep pushing

Keep talking.....

keep.....

talking

at some point you need to listen

to 

what 

you

are

saying....

listen

have I said?

anything

all the things

you have said.

if you are scared 

shitless

then

say 

stop opening the door

for

me 

to

leave..................

I will.

xo,

m

Post Apocalyptic Bullshit

wow....

here we are....

as I contemplate should I put on Pjs or this:

I just can't decide.

I'm sure pretty soon we will all be resembling this:

My divorce is taking forever and I am stuck between two places, basically living in my own post apocalyptic hell.

As we maneuver through this Covid Crap I had hoped to be working more...

especially as as essential employee...

but as it worked out, elective surgeries are cancelled so I'm working emergent surgeries and at the hospital when needed.  

As of now,

our hospital is doing OK. so my PRN status is not being used.

With that said...

I was also hoping that these days off would give me some much needed respite and mind clearing, but instead has caused imense stress and anxiety.

I also hoped to be looking sexy in my Mad Max Pandemic Garb and possibly getting laid.

But my old friend Mother Nature has been more than helpful in making sure that would not happen.

Thanks Mother Nature, you cruel bitch.

So as I sit here and think about how much more of my life is being wasted waiting for a final divorce decree ( I think my lawyer has abandoned me)

I will design some outfits to make sure I stay virus free and sexy.

from my confined shelter in place area.....

wash yo hands, yo....

Write ya later  

m

enjoy this past , accurate look into our life now.

Please don’t tell me

roby dwi antono

please tell me this isn't my best life.

What a weird time it is, yet life must continue.

it must.

As a nurse I laugh daily....

as I take my temp for the billionth time before work

as they tell me " no masks are available"

as friends say " really?, you are going to go hang out with other friends?"

Yes...

Self distancing does not mean death or self destruction

or self isolation

we still must live.

My ex still sits on the couch every day.

same spot

same clothes

wont talk....

wont leave the house...

my house too 

yet I have been banned 

our divorce court date is pushed out to possibly June

Who has a fucking year long divorce?

me 

and him

at work ...

we closed today (surgery center) so I am moving to the hospital once again with people wishing me well and health.

but as a nurse I smile and go, and know that this is what my oath said...

care for others 

this is what we train for.

I am not alone.

at home my heart is with a man who apparently adores me and I can't quite figure it out

it is stressful and good at the same time.

Is it a joke? what the hell?

Is this what people really have in real life.....?

what I have been missing for all these years?

I am beside myself and baffled 

so, tonight t as I drink a vodka tonic and write I worry about the next few weeks.

I don't worry about my health....

I worry about others and the economy....

and how we will recover as a community,

healthcare workers will be fine

but will 

we 

all 

in the end?

xo

write ya later 

m

back it up

this truck is backed up against a wall...

perfectly fitting into this tiny space

lately, 

I feel this truck

but just like when I saw this truck....

I just laugh

I wouldn't mind going back to the tree house in 

Costa Rica with this piece of work

↴

or donning my adventure shoes again.....

soon

until then 

Life is good 

or as we say,

tolerable

As public as I am I still carry many things private.

This is a big week for me

Possibly the beginning of my new life, in which I am scared to death and ready for all in one.

not really having anyone to ask or to bounce things off of....

 I find myself moving through this labyrinth alone.

No one really asks

and even if they did...

what help could they offer except for the obligatory'

"It all is going to be fine in the end"

One more day ....

I Got Your Back..... Bullshit

So, it's been a bit .....

closer to a year than not

If you have been reading this blog for a while you pretty much know my jam. my humor, my kids, my knitting, my marriage....or non marriage.

19 years....

I finally made a decision and I am going to take the time to do a bit of discussion as a 51 year old woman going through a divorce in which I was the instigater of.

People change

We all deserve happiness

We don't have to just stay because...anymore

I spent 22 years caring for a beautiful family,,,,

in that time I went to school  (twice) waitress to bachelors of science degreee....
becoming a nurse with insurance etc.

all with a couple of kids and working full time.

I loved, I supported, I had great friends and family....

I had a marriage.

It was beautiful....we laughed, we rode motos , we saw bands....

we traveled, cared for kids....

but people change 

and that is OK

I have always been a person who needs others.

I grew up in a huge family with my brothers always around.

Someone always loved me

As I went through my years I was always the independent girl...but deep down I needed love, touch, acknowledgment 

I still do.

some people like to say,

"Take a break....be alone ....love yourself"

nope...

I love love

I love being WITH someone 

I WANT to be with someone who desires to be with me.

now that we have that clear.

I'm getting a divorce.  OMG.  

we all deserve happiness.... I have no hatred....

I just want to be with people who want me....who build me up....

who want to have fun

who love and love life.

and love others.....

so, people change

I have many friends and men I adore....

and women I adore....

with this change...

this man I am seeing right now .....

people can not be happy for us...

for him

Yes...19 years we were together....and no one will ever know our lives

but my new life....

just let us be happy

the super sad part is?....

his friends always say " I got your back"

but they have left him

The ones who were my friends ....

fuck it.

call me a whore, 

unfaithful,

shitty....

I know I'm not.

I'm a grown ass woman 

but for him

the new man...

he loves his friends,

and they have shunned him like he carries the plague

all over being happy

Loving someone 

honestly loving.

we are not 22

we are more than halfway done with our lives and we want what we want

honestly....

at my age just let me love.

a divorce is a divorce.... yes it hurts, yes its expensive (doesn't have to be) 

but for my friends to take sides and to act like we are different now is heart breaking

Ive watched many of my friends go through stuff the last few years which is ridiculous.

if I don't agree I say something,....but never cut them out when they need love most.

Our hearts are strong 

but our minds are not when it comes to people we have trusted and befriended for so long

my heart breaks for my guy

how his friends have left him and talked shit and gossiped

almost worse than girls

well

that's my diatribe on being friends and having someone's back

how being 50 plus years old and moving on to have true happiness in your later years is so frowned upon.

I've served my time.

no one did wrong.

we just need different things now.

so have my back

ya know

?

xo,

m