Made a commitment , again, to myself that I will take care of my mind, body and soul....
while I still can.
Went to the gym this morning at 545 am. Goddamn I hate that place
I'm not sure how everyone feels so comfortable there.
I walk in, hope that the equipment I want to use is available and if it isn't....
I kind of walk around in circles waiting.
It's ridiculous.
Got it over with and got the heck out.
Decided it was such a beautiful day I would go for a bike ride because , honestly...how will I ever do a 100 mile gravel ride if I never ride my bike except for the day we go for the 100 mile ride.
I did a quick 8.12 miles.
happy with that.
and am now treating myself with a beer while I contemplate life.
Here's what I am contemplating.
where does a grown ass adult find a new best friend?
You may think I'm being funny...
but I'm being serious.
After losing Sissy, I realized she has been my only girlfriend for years.
I have had some work friends and some so so friends
but no one who can even remotely take the place of Sissy
I don't want a replacement, but maybe it's not healthy to not have any friends
I take that back...
I have Scooter....
but he moved away.
It will be just fine.
I got things to do.
Life to live
I'm so inspired right now I am actually gonna shower and shave my armpits.
yup...
the song came up on my playlist today while I was riding.
it's old
but I like it
if you know of a new friend for me
let me know
thanks
m
I'm walking in the shadows of my tempted soul
Time is ticking by
I'm chatting with this bottle of wine
I know that I'm not perfect
I'll admit that I'm a fool
Everytime I'm lost
I'm always finding my way back to you, the one
I need when I'm awake
Take me home
I wanna go
And I'm sorry, I can't love you
I'm sorry, I can't make you see who I am.
I can see what he was thinking
It's so easy if you try
Killing yourself with a silver dagger just to show how much you love
It's never as bad as we initially think. Just are required to push through. Last week I made a texting error that I imagine we have all made at some point. I texted to a group text when I should have been texting a private friend.
Yeah
it sucked, but not as bad as it could have. I only stated that a person was clueless as to her new puppy.
Said person immediately texted me privately and said to keep her business out of group text and she now knows where she stands with me.
I totally got it. It hurt her(duh). I apologized, I called, I explained, but honestly, that really wasn't enough and I understand that. This person is young and still quite self centered and they didn't need me talking about their life.
I was in the wrong.
If I hadn't cared I wouldn't have even responded, but I do care about this person. I regret my actions but once trust is lost there is noisy way fix to that, so I need to focus my energy elsewhere. The only thing I can do is stay out of the way and be careful not to express my feelings too loudly.
And that is it.
when you do wrong you can only apologize so many times then you have to move on.
This is not the first time in my 50+ years I have made a mistake, or said some negative things, or even thrown a joke out with a bit too much sarcasm, and I'm sure it won't be the last. But I do try to be aware and I have been trying to be more sensitive.
My upbringing of being the youngest of 12 siblings conditioned me to be spicy. Eight older brothers didn't leave me with room to be soft or unable to defend myself. When I think about what my problems are I often refer to what I learned last year. I can't ask myself what is wrong with me ( I KNOW what is wrong) but the bigger picture is " What happened to me". These things formed the me I am today.
youngest of a large family
alcoholic parents
father with Alzheimers
rape
death of 2 brothers and father within a few years
death of mother
unfaithful partners
divorce
experiencing an OD of a child
suicide attempt by child
illness in family
Covid
PTSD
untimely death of sissy
None of these are an excuse for my sometimes poor behaviors....but they are a reason for some, for the mistrust and negative attitude I sometimes carry with me, and definitely for my cynicism. Every day I learn new things and try to make the effort to be and do better, but I'll be honest, sometimes I slip back to my protected self and throw the walls of mistrust and spice back up. One would think that after 40 some years I would catch myself before it happened.
As I write this, my heart suffers to know that I am not a great person all the time. I'm guessing no one really is. I do know that I care. If I can I will sit by you and hold your hand in a crisis. I will sit at your deathbed if requested. I will be there in any way that I can if you ask....and I do not tend to hold a grudge. Life is too short for that.
I understand if you are busy, or if you have been busy for 7 years....I'll most likely still be here if you need me or want to talk. I'll pick up that conversation right where we left off. I understand if you can't show up, even if you said you would be there....You know why? Because life happens, family happens and usually that stuff is way more important than a meeting at the local bar.
Life happens.
So, It's not that bad, is it? Work is tough right now. Figuring out my place in an environment where I am slightly appreciated but not enough to monetarily compensate me. Realizing that maybe I can't always stay somewhere just because I like most of the people. I, too, need to live and pay my bills and move forward in a direction that fills my needs and not just continue doing something because it's there, it's expected and it's easy.
Also, when work becomes a bit too dramatic for me, I tend to move on. My free time is more important than bringing the dread of work home with me, or to even spend any of my private time thinking about work.
That's where I am right now.
A few good things
friend is coming to visit
off social media this month
been reading
painting
working out
job interviews
re-eval after loss of sissy
It's time to re-evaluate this time period and make a new "list of to do's"
"up...get up. clean this house and life, sage that shit outta here.
You have an amazing family that needs you,
Let's perk up and
Live"
so....
up I am,
cleaning, jamming out to top 40, crying a bit and laughing a bit.
I sometimes laugh at the fact so many things have happened in the last year, yet things continue to move forward. As they should.
It's my absolute favorite time of year,
Spring
new beginnings....
and I am going to cherish it
I comically started cleaning and as I cleaned I thought I should probably start thinking about making nice nice with some of the people who pushed me to the side during the divorce.
Last thing I want to do is continue to carry anger around
I texted a few of the people who really hurt my heart.
Pretty sure they have not been thinking much about me,
yet I still think about them.
stupid empath qualities.
We did get invited to our first party since the divorce by old friends
and then
one of the couple got Covid
I wondered if it was really covid or the fact I was invited....
but that is the exact negative nelly shit I'm trying to avoid.
I'm clearing my list day by day.
Might be easier to bomb the list but it's something I need to do.
As the house fills with the smell of Fabuloso
I am starting to feel better.
I wish I could hug and kiss a few people I really miss
I wish I could get in a car and drive away for a few hours and think
I wish I could travel a bit more (which I may make happen regardless)
I wish people would stop by a bit more
and I hope this cleaning helps it all feel nice and new
